“The Walking Zombie No More….”

So for the past few months I have been transistioning in being more acceptance of my bipolar. I thought that I was uber accepting. But then I realized in a therapy session that my refusal to medicated means that I truly haven’t accepted that that I do have a chemical imbalance. She asked me…” Arent you exhausted from cycling” I admitted that I was over exhausted , but my fear is what stability feels like since I hadnt been stable in so long. But I made a decision that I gotta suck it up. How can I be a mentor and not be completely acceptant? So, before the meds started I was like extremely manic for like 2 weeks and then I came down hard. This pressured me to make a change because I started to see that my mood swings were effecting the people around me. So, then the meds started. Everyone who has a mental health issue knows that its difficult to find out that great combonation of meds. So the first cycle of meds….had me living like a damn zombie. I totally didn’t feel like myself. I didnt smile….or cry…yet I was emotionally fragile. It took one day where I was like I need to talk to my Dr. because I was literally dragging my feet, people at work were constantly asking if I was okay. My pupils were dilated. I immediately made an appointment voiced my concerns and they decreased my meds because I told them I will not be compliant if this continues. Since then…No MORE the Walking Zombie. I am proud that I pushed through the zombie and went to work every day. I still made myself hold myself accountable. So, since I have been been taking my meds appropriately I am able to work out and I have lost weight. I am glad I went through this transition before my promotion(yes I have been promoted to supervisor *does toe touch*. I know that this will be essential in my new leadership.

All in all everything is falling into place. So….Im getting ready for a Cinco de Mayo day party. Sidenote: Since college, I have appreciated the holiday. So….I usually give myself a latina name to be called. Last year I was Selena Santiago. This year I am Lola Lopez….yes I am extra, but thats just me. Mmmkay lemme get ready to pregame before the party.

I miss you guys and I will get back to blogging more.

*sends hugs and kisses*

“Another Again”

Welp, things have been pretty rough for me,and I am more so annoyed because I am taking my medications. I have considered the idea of getting on a mood stabilizer, because I can’t live on this rollercoaster of up and down. Then I realized that managing my disorder is more than just taking medications its about acknowledgement.

If someone asked me, “Erie, do you love you” and I would say yes….but I realized today that I don’t accept and/or love my disorder and THAT’S WHO I AM. I cannot change this. Over and over again, I question why I have yet to fully accept my diagnosis. It’s like I been running from it and there’s nowhere to go. Life keeps happening. Stress will be there…and yet I am exhausting myself running from Myself. This was hard for me to acknowledge and verbalize it aloud to one of my supports. I always prided myself on having this personality that is infectious and a smile that can change a life (it has…really). So….Now I am starting all over to get stabilized…..another again.

Lately, I have been thinking…what if I wasn’t here. I haven’t had a plan, but the depression can hurt so bad that you wanna just evaporate. I told myself something I already knew that I am special.There is no one like me….like anywhere. I can’t be suicidal…..I have so much to live and laugh about. I just got to get out this rut and get off this rollercoaster.

You know I used to love the idea of being manic. It made me feel good hell, its better than being depressive. As I get older, I am starting to not like the mania because I am not in control. I do and say things that Erie wouldn’t say. It fosters my anger of my bipolar. I get mad….and theres nothing I can do. So, I am goin to talk with my doctor about giving in to a mood stabilizer. I use the term giving in because I have been fighting a mod stabilizer for more than a year. Idk what my biases are. I am sure because It would maintain my mood and that I am not in control. But the thing I learned this weekend is that regardless….my mental health is not my choice and I can only do so much to “control” it. I have decided that I gotta put a treatment plan together for myself to get me out this rut…These lil ratchet pills aint doing much if u ask me. As a mental health professional I know that it is more to management that medication so Idk why I cant apply this to myself. I have recruited more supports, using the ones I have a little more…and giving some of my supports a break. Its gotta be exhausting dealing with me. Plus, it takes a village….and I will get out of this rut. I will be smiling genuinely…soon. I declared today that I am bout to start falling in love with Lovely…BIPOLAR and ALL. Stop running, and start walking and accepting. I also really need to get on the ball with this book. I am sure that will bring me great pleasure and a sense of accomplishment in accepting this disorder.

PSA: I know that this is contradictary….but Suicide is not the answer. It’s not. I think about it in my dark moments, but I have no plan….and for some reason my Angels always step in and intervne whether its a phone call and impromptu visit….or just a prayer that I am not even aware of. When u feel like your drowning with no water……call someone…..call anyone….hell call me….but if no one answers Call on the Lord. He is always there….even I know this.:)

So here we go…….Another Again *John Legend Voice*

“Emotional Rollercoaster” *Vivianne Green voice*

I used to love this song…Not only is this woman’s vocals are mmmmazing, but the lyrics are just the up and down of love. Welp, I think this song applies to more than just unrequited love. Of course in my brain it makes me think of my diagnosis. This never ending cycle. The never ending highs and lows. With ever episode I am reminded that this is MY life and I have little to no control of my moods. Yes, I am finally aligned with medications…for now (let’s just be real). I am even going back to therapy…..so how the hell am I still on this irritating rollercoaster, ferris wheel, whateer the hell you wanna call it?

As I sit and think about when the rollercoaster actually began…I think back to November. Not only is November the month that I was raped and diagnosed with my dx, but its my birthday. So, I think subconciously I put myself on the rollercoaster because its ALWAYS been this way since 2009.
Prior to this November I was not medicated, but I was eating,laughing genuinely, and I didn’t feel so up and down….until the REJECTION started. The definition of “Rejection” is as follows according to, Merriam-Webster; “a : the action of rejecting : the state of being rejected b : an immune response in which foreign tissue (as of a skin graft or transplanted organ) is attacked by immune system components of the recipient organism
2: something rejected.”Now most people know that reject means….Someone is basically telling you NO for whatever reason. Rejection is not only limited to romantic relationships….You can feel rejected within yourself. Take the second definition according to Merriam-Webster, “an immune response in which foreign tissue (as of a skin graft or transplanted organ) is attacked by immune system components of the recipient organism.”

Now this just may be the manic side of me, because I have thoughts all over the place and I am uber productive at work, but I think of that foreign object as me “giving” into my disorder by being medicated and whatnot. a part of me is obviously still resistant so despite me taking me meds and following the right regime I am rejecting myself. This in itself feels like a rollercoaster, because I don’t know why.

Lately, I have been wanting to disappear….run away….but something keeps telling me to sit still. I feel frustrated because I feel like I am not only exhausting myself, but my supports. Someone can say that they understand, but they truly don’t.

The main emotional I been feeling outside of feeling numb, depressed at times, and manic, is that I feel frustrated. Problem is that I cannot adequately verbalize my frustration. I mean for the most part….when people ask me why I answer” Shit, IDK.” I am starting to get to the point where I don’t even want to disclose and tell people what’s on my mind. I am tired of calling my parents just crying and there’s nothing to do. It hurts ME that I know just how hard it must be being my friend/sister/daughter and that lowkey pisses me off. I know that I cannot cut off my supports right now because I can’t do this alone…..I just wanna get off this rollercoaster. I don’t like the stomach flippage, and I am low key afraid of heights. I feel like things will start to stabilize soon according to my Bipolar yearly cycles. In the spring I am up and down, summer I am kinda stable….and then the crappiness starts all over again…..

Lord, Idk how I am supposed to do this for the rest of my life…..

*makes sure my seatbelt is secure*

Voyage to Erie

Today I was listening to some smooth tunes to….just take me away from the craziness around me. I have been in the midst of making some difficult yet exciting game changing decisions in my life. I have decided to start making decisions for me and no longer based on the benefit of others. I have always praised myself for having a servants heart, but I realized that I will always be stagnant if I don’t start making those hard and necessary changes. After all, it is me who has to deal with the aftermath. To make the decision to keep going or take a step back…..I realized that I am serious in dealing with my mental illness. I can no longer….”blog or talk about it.” I need some action behind it. I have to hold myself accountable. I can no longer treat myself like I will always bounce back because everytime there is a severe downfall…it takes an act of congress (and we all know they SUCK) to scrape little ole me off the ground and start all over.

Recently I had this Sagittarius urge to…just run….away. From the madness. sadness.confusion. I no longer wanted to deal with the fact that people who I love…HURT me maliciously…and I allowed them to. It reminded me of my rape….the fact that I had power, but felt powerless. But then as I was in the process of jumping in the Shiraz I realized that I never lost my power….I just got derailed by exhaustion and fatigue. See, I have been off work for 5 weeks, but that doesn’t mean I was on a vacay…I mean I was, but I wasn’t. I was on yet another quest to get where Erika Nicole needs to be.It never occurred to me that I was already there with a little mild tweaking of course. I had to realize that some people just aren’t good for me: friends, family, foes, ex lovers. They must be let go. Not just forgotten, but let go. My voyage to Erie has a limited capacity. Not everyone means me well. I have had my heart broken…several times. I can honestly admit that I am just now taking the steps to heal from the heartbreak and rejection. A significant other isnt the only culprit when it comes to heartbreak, disappointment, and pain. Friends and family hurt you the most….but what doesnt’t break me makes me more resilient.

I find myself most days feeling like I am flexing between drowing without water and from suffocating from my circumstances. I finally went to my med appointment and met with my new psychologist. Within the first few minutes this tough lady read me honey. Called me a rebel…and she’s right. I need to be in control of my diagnosis even though its not possible. I decided that if I want to get ahead I have to ACKNOWLEDGE and finally ACCEPT my diagnosis. People can and WILL discriminate against me. I will go up and down. I will fall and get back up. But the comforting peace is that I want to live. The other day the idea of suicide flew in my brain for a milisecond and I quickly dismissed it because I know that I have supports. People love me….people believe in me and my story and they are cheering for me. I cant runaway and escape from that. Thats’ not even in my DNA, All I can do is pray more, clutch tighter to my sanity and my dreams….and have FAITH that I will make it through the journey of Erie even on my darkest days. life is too short to give it up because I am feeling some kinda way. the blessing of bipolar is thhe up and dwn…we never stay the same.I will just continue to pray for patience and peace. God knows my heart better than I do which is why there is no more Joel….no more….negativity……simply people who love and adore me just because I am Me……

As I sit and think….I coulda sworn that my journey started long ago, but I never took into account that there are bathroom breaks, sightseeing, and days of rest. I am so thankful for the opportunity to live and love. So thankful…that God hasn’t given up on me….and neither has my supports and for that I will keep pushing on…..

Love,

Lovely

“The Race”

Tomorrow is a game changer for me…..its a pivotal moment for me because I am finally following MY  OWN ADVICE. I am that social worker, psychologist, doctor that continues to do everything against my OWN advice. Since my beloved Paw Paw passed…I have feel like I have been blowing in the wind. My psych took me off for 4 weeks (with my agreement of course). I went to his funeral….and you kow what I didn’t cry at ALL….some might think this is crazy….and for awhlile I did to. I told myself that I was there for my family….that I was the strong one…and didn’t NEED to cry. I mean I had every reasoning: “I worked in hospice so I understood the science  and purpose of death” or ”I’m emotionally void.” I saw my fam and was glad that I had the opportunity to say…Goodbye to him for my sake… because I knew that I prefered him gone without suffering than him be here…for US…being void….and miserable.After the funeral, I decided to spend the rest of my time at my Tee Tee’s house in DC. She and my uncle are my God parents as well…so me free loading isn’t issue. My first week in DC…I was feeling so….unsure.I felt  like I was suffocating at times…..I smiled because I wanted to be strong for my aunt. I laughed because I felt like I was supposed to because after all…I had no worries. I  wasn’t expected to pay a cent for anything….and they made sure  we …lived great.  The feeling of being unsure  for once  made me feel like I did not have a contingency plan. After all, I paid a One way ticket to DC…unsure and uncaring of when I’d return “home.”

For one, home didn’t feel home for awhile…even when I was home in Atlanta. It felt so easy to never leave my bed….unless I was working which was a draining environment in itselt. The only thing I looked forward to was my weekly bipolar support group. It felt comfortable to allow the depression to take over my life and not allow myself to breathe. I became immune to the anxiety…..and that’s NOT NORMAL. So, being in DC with those who love me (Remember Daddy moved to Florida the beginning of the year leaving me alone…btw he is doing GREAT…I’m glad I let him…….move on to happiness). While in DC….I haven’t had any wants/needs. In fact, I have had ample amout of time to think, think, ponder, and contemplate my next move just like a true Sagittarius would. I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life…not just talk about the changes, but actually follow through with the changes no matter how my inner/outer  circle felt. I realized that most of the decisions that I had made in mypast/present had been for the benefit or purpose of making someone else happy. I realized even after ALL this friggin time I was still holding onto my past….because venturing in something new was too…..scary…..too new…too….MUCH.

While sitting down one day I sat and completed a tally of all the things that brought me stress. What I noticed that my job/career was depleting of all my energy. I decided in that moment that I could no longer talk about what I needed to do. Applying for new jobs on the internet was no longer acceptable. I made some decisions against the ideas of some close to me….and I have FAITH that those decision will pay off….even if they are not in the near future.

My relationship with God may not be perfect, but he has blessed me with so many different facets that set me apart from others. He has blessed me with the ability to reach others through words……spoken and written. He has also blessed me with undeniable faith. Even when having faith is terrifying and I feel so out of my element……faith keeps me holding on. It has helped me push through my toughest moments in life. It has helped me……run my race….of life. I am no where NEAR completing my race, but I see the resting place soon. A place where I can not only regroup, but rebuild with a family….a husband….love….and children. Stepping out on this….is not just a dream…its a mission for me. I feel like I not only HAVE to succeed because its written, but I feel like there is no other choice. I mean well….I treat others the best way I can….even when I am fussy. When I sit and think of all the runners in my life I am reminded that we aren’t competing….they are motivation for me to run faster, breathe smoother, keep my head above my heart, and eventually…

complete

the

race.