The other day I realized something powerful while driving my car in complete silence. People who know me should be concerned because I love my music loud. In a typical car ride you will find me…singing loudly and doing some type of car dance routine….(ahhh those were the days…can’t wait till they come back!) Anywho, I was sitting there feeling…all kinds of feelings. I realized that I was in the stages of grief. Now, before you light me up on a stake….yes I am referring to feeling grief when it comes to my pregnancy, but not in the way you may think. I was talking to my DP last weekend and it hit me that I am still grieving the loss…of my dream. That dream that my first child would be born in love to me and my husband. Dreams of Lamaze classes and painting the baby’s room. I realized that I had been in denial initially…because I just could NOT believe that my moment finally came and it was met with sadness, frustration, and deceit. This is what I mean by denial: When I first found out I was with child I believed it, but had convinced myself that I could not be because NOTHING was as it seemed. Yes, I was involved with someone I loved….and sure he said he loved me….but this baby came BEFORE the vintage princess cut diamond ring. It came before the home and dog named “Miley.” What’s funny is there in my face was scientific evidence that I was pregnant. Not only was my body morphing into something I was not familiar with, but I was blessed to hear my baby’s heartbeat the day I found out. Silly me…still was like, “Well, I am, but I need to be for sure.” I then heard the heartbeat 2 more times before It stuck….This was my baby that I prayed for. Now before you give me the side eye…I did pray for a child….I actually prayed for a FAMILY of my own. The people who really know me…know that I always looked to the day of being a mommy…that I never had. I have always wanted to be in love someone immensely that it seems as a fable. I prayed for stability that I did not get most of my childhood. So, in essence I prayed for this, I did not however…plan for this! Dagnabit….I should have been more clearer to God, because obviously, he has no problem giving me what I want….and to think… I am usually very specific.
Then I skipped over the Anger stage, and went into the most painful stage….I went into the depression stage. I believe that this was the hardest stage of all. Mainly because I already deal with severe depression and now to add pregnancy hormones, the feeling of abandonment/isolation I felt…it was a recipe of disaster. I was in a place where I was unable to eat…sleep….and think. There was the dread…this fear of the unknown that seemed to swallow me whole. My anxiety had become unbearable. My eyes showed no color, and I couldn’t remember what my laugh sounded like. I became a prisoner in my own body, because I was unable to pull myself out…and for once in my life I wanted to get out of the stage. I simply did not want to stay in that place of depression, because I knew it was not good for my baby. I began to isolate myself since I already felt abandoned. I would go days listening to my phone just ring when my parents called. I would then feel guilty and mumble something incoherently and then hang up. I did not feel the need to lie and say, “I am okay.” Oh, this dreadful stage…seemed too much at times. I began to have ideations when I had enough of it…I decided I had to do something I didn’t necessarily didn’t believe in. I have been battling being medicated since before I was diagnosed. I just don’t like the idea that I cannot CONTROL myself. I mean I can, but the cycling can drain you and become a bit much. It does not feel good. I will write further about my actual decision to get back on my meds….in my new book. Just know it was not a easy decision…I pondered and pondered and obsessed until I decided It was “do or die.”
After deciding to get on at least a small dosage to fix my chemical imbalance I started to getting frigging ANGRY! I went from, ” How the eff could _________do this me?” to “Eff _____ and ____ and anyone else that had pissed me off in my life.” I was so mad that I was mad at myself so I started to suppress all of the anger. I suppressed so much anger that it started to seep out of my pores. I was just downright hurt by the decisions and selfishness of others that it made me sick to my stomach. I became to think that no one was trustworthy with my hearts and feelings. Now everyone knows that I can be as feisty as can be and I have no issue sticking up for myself , but this was madness…just anger. Even through the midst of this anger…I was still not bitter…still not willing to be malicious and vengeful. I convinced myself that I didn’t want to pass these ill feelings onto my baby. As I sit and type, the likelihood that I will revisit this stage again is very high because I still haven’t come to terms with it. I have not said the words I need to stay, because I know deep down that it wont change a thing and I am not willing to even go there if there is no victory in the battle. Instead….I have somehow become somehow stuck between bargaining and acceptance. I am sure the closer it gets to meeting my Panda bear that the acceptance stage will become more prevalent. In fact, everyday that I wake up my belly is just a little bigger and there is strange movement I feel pushes me closer to acceptance. Accepting the fact that…its not MY FAULT that things did not happen the way I wanted. I tried my hardest….and I continue to try. Accepting that this blessing is mine…that I was special enough to ask God for something and he gave it to me. I have accepted that I cannot make people support me or want to support me the way I need them to. I have to continue to accept that some people are not selfless like me. That in reality most people are downright selfish….and that its okay…I just don’t want to be that way simply because that is not who I am.
Furthermore, I accept the challenge of not only being a single mother…but a loving mother. A good person. A faithful servant who falls but gets up. That no matter how others treat me that I can only allow these ppl to do that…and
I cant afford to come in and out my life as they choose. Being isolated for this time…was in a way healing for me. I have become comfortable in my silence. I have realized that not everyone is willing and or able to understand how I feel and if they don’t…I still gotta keep breathing.
The other day I tweeted that I am a bird without wings who cannot fly. I went onto say that I was restless and overall flightless. I have accepted that on those days that I feel that way are only temporary. That one of these days I will soar again….and that more than likely I will be soaring soon…its just in my DNA to do so.
So, if you see a beautiful bird flying, yet swaying a little in the sky…that’s probably me…..just look up and say a silent prayer.