The past few weeks have been uber up and down to the point where I have spiraled downhill several times. You would think that I am used to the ups and downs….but I am not. Especially since I am growing a tiny human that is called several names that isn’t her first lol (Panda and Gracie)…..Poor Erilyn she will be so confused. So, back to the blog (see my mind wanders and drifts). Anyways, I was having meltdowns, panic & anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis. I was going to the ER at least once a week…..due to extremely low blood pressure and dehydration. You see, when I am manic and/or hypomanic; I do not intake anything. It’s not on purpose I just don’t have an appetite. After a severe tongue lashing from a Labor and Delivery nurse and my fiancée, I am currently forcing myself to eat and drink water. But the symptoms….. Oh my gosh they are unbearable and I fear they affect Erilyn. The yelling and screaming episodes…..to the gut-wrenching anxiety nights. I will say that God has blessed me with a good man whose willing to learn. He usually holds me to try and soothe me, or make me bathwater and tea. He has even held my hand as we sleep. So, after about 2 weeks of the rollercoaster my OB forced me to go to a psychiatrist. They immediately put me on medications. I cried and cried in the office while they were assuring me that Erilyn is already formed and should not be affected. All I could was think about her and how its my fault that we cant have a normal pregnancy. The doctors finally told me that being unmedicated was more of a risk to the baby than taking the medications. I would be more prone to suicide, severe depression that could cause pre term labor. I cried and reluctantly said yes…..and decided to focus on my faith to get me and Erilyn through this. This was a VERY hard decision. Perhaps the toughest one to date. I was very adamant that I did not want to take a mood stabilizer. Welp, at my follow up that’s exactly what they did. They put me on the dreadful lamictal because its the only safe mood stabilizer during pregnancy.See, me and Lamictal truly don’t get along though its usually my fault because in the past, I’d be so manic that I would self medicate with alcohol and the medications. ***Note: I have not consumed any alcohol during this pregnsncy outside of occasional glasses of red wine that my OB approved). So, basically they put me on the Lamictal because my mood swings were too rapid and it was exacerbated due to the additional stress of my job and regular day to day stressors. I was not sleeping and or eating or I was crying all damn day when this is supposed to be the most happiest time of my life ( I am recently engaged and having my first child). One of the most stressful/irrational thoughts is that I am so afraid and concerned for Erilyn when she GETS HERE. I don’t want her to see me this way. Don’t want her to think that I am weak. There is so much guilt that I have regarding being bipolar and becoming a mother though none of it is my fault. I had recently learned that someone felt that I was ungrateful about my pregnancy due to my off and on depression/mood swings. I became immediately upset because it seemed that others do not understand JUST how hard it is to deal with an unexpected pregnancy, abandonment by the child’s father, on TOP of uncontrolled mental health issues. I was and still am kinda hurt by this. I don’t want to be this way….I never doubted my child…never thought of an alternative, because through my depression at the time I knew that Erilyn was a blessing from God. She simply saved ME from ME (Hence her middle name Olivia Grace) I am realizing that people may want to understand….but simply cannot. Then there may be some who don’t want to truly understand and you know what…..they don’t have to. As long as I focus on being positive and taking care of me emotionally.
Fast forward to today that prompted this blog. I have since decided to fast from social media since my MD decided that food is not an option. I am fasting with my fiancée to focus on my relationship with God, our pending marriage, and to gain more strength to deal with my diagnosis, to find more stable housing with more room, and ultimately clarity when it comes to my career. Today I woke up very anxious, went to my therapy appointment kind of flat. When John got off work several triggers of instability looming prompted a crying/depressive fit that lasted for hours. I mean I cried for maybe 5 hours off and on. I cried myself to sleep….then awoke and cried more. Now it is almost 3 in the AM and Im very anxious to the point where I cannot sleep and I feel the mania returning. Sometimes, I look forward to the mania because its kinda better than all that daggum crying, that filling of hopelessness….the suicidal ideations….Yea, I endured that all today and then felt guilty because I knew I was harming Erilyn. When I think of why I am crying….I am unsure exactly of the culprit. I mean there is a lot of stuff going on in my life. Ultimately, I am trying desperately to just get through the day and pray for a better tomorrow. I also pray that God doesn’t see my despair and think that I don’t believe in him…or that my faith is questioned because that’s far from the truth.
Every night, John and I get on our knees (Well I sit on his knee because my fat butt wouldn’t be able to get up otherwise). We pray together where he starts and I end. Tonight I prayed mainly for the others plagued with mental illness. For the person who is on that brink…..and doesn’t think there is anything or anybody to live for. I asked God to just hold them tight….to comfort them in their time of need. I also thanked God for sending me someone strong enough to not only accept my situation, but who is willing to be there and hold my hand. To remind me that I have so much to live for….and that God loves me and things will get better…..and Just like that I was comforted enough to not cry anymore. Its crazy that I was more concerned for others battling this disorder on their own….but that’s just how God made me….with a servant’s heart. I didn’t realize until recently that I am still trying to understand and accept this disorder. I have supports yet I constantly ask why it seems that others don’t understand. It feels like at times I reach out, but is anybody listening?