Hola everyone!!!! *waves and smiles* It has been a minute since I last wrote, and it has not been because I haven’t had anything to write about lol. With all the randomness going on in the world you all should know that I have so much to say, but I’d rather write about my theories on Ebola, our economy and the Millenial mindset, with a dash of TV commentary on my twitter feed…where no one truly listens. I’d much rather spend these precious moments with you love bugs talking about mmaZing things!
Welp guys….I am HAPPY!!! *throws confetti* No truly I am, and it has nothing to do with my moods, because Lord know’s I am still up and down. Lately I have been putting much energy into positive thinking. When I have been met with resistance in life and things have been a mess at times…I vent, refuse to let it linger and I…*drum roll* MOVE ON!!! Gone are the days that I let stuff that is out of my control run me crazy! I just cannot do it anymore. I refuse to stress about things that I cannot change. Because of this thought process I am able to feel at peace….which has turned into happiness! I realized that the more I consult God and look into myself for the strength that I have no business allowing stress to rule over me. There are times where I have noticed that my hair was falling out…I am talking bout BAD yall….(but shoutout to my stylist Dani #YoutherealMVP)!!! I still have days where I wake up and my body seems to just be tired and weary. It has been a crazy 2 years of my life and SO MUCH has happened. It seems that my life is starting to finally settle down. Even though my plate is full with my lovely muffin, getting my master’s, volunteering at hospice, and working full time, but things are kinda chill….settled. When I don’t have the energy..I allow myself to rest and enjoy the simple things. I have explored new friends and allies along with embracing my family much tighter. In fact…I don’t like to think that I have friends…I have mi familia! After all, when I think of my supports who have been there when stuff got real…you gotta be a member of my village…thus my family! :)
When I am feeling adventurous….I venture out of my little world of being mommy….get pretty and I go sit at a bar… usually alone and have a martini and think..or I go to brunch with my friends….I feel like me. In those moments of solitude, I sit and watch the people around me and just…Think.Being a parent you embrace those moments of simply thinking. You just let your mind wonder. Its in those moments that I realized that for once….I am not happy as a result of a relationship. You see, My happiness used to be determined on if I was romantically involved with someone. I was not happy if I were single because “They shoot single people Don’t They?” #blogplug. I used to despise being single because I loved being in…Love. That’s until I figured out that I didn’t truly love myself. It wasn’t until I was alone in the dark rooms, and sitting in the OB office getting sonograms alone… that I realized that I didn’t Love Me. How can you love yourself when you’re numb?
I realized that when “party girl Erie” was placed on hold, and the “friends” were gone… that I needed to do a self-check. Sometimes, I would just let the phone ring…I’d sit in the darkness and think. During those dark moments, not one positive thing about myself would come to mind. I’d sit there and think of all the failed relationships.I thought about all the bad things I had done, all the times I acted out while in a manic haze. I thought about all the times I didn’t want to be me…and those dark moments of suicide and it’s all because I didn’t love me. I hid behind my diagnosis because I didn’t love me. Ladies and Gentlemen, if you cannot love you…how can someone else? If you don’t value and cherish your self….what do your children see?
After much debate with myself, it came to me that the reason why I was so skeptical about becoming a mother is because one I DIDN’T PLAN IT ( I felt I needed to say that…AGAIN for good measure because everyone around me had PLANNED their babies LOL). Anywho the main reason I was skeptical/afraid/doubtful during my pregnancy is because I hadn’t fixed everything about me. I didn’t want to expose my children to MY unresolved issues of rejection, the ups and downs of bipolar, and personal demons. I felt that I didn’t have time to prepare for single motherhood which was something I never thought would occur. I thought that I ultimately did not have time to prepare for Erilyn financially WHILE maintaining my sanity AND deal with all my stuff. This drove me crazy!!!! I didn’t have anyone to talk to and after awhile I didn’t want to speak. What I didn’t take into account is that God used my unexpected pregnancy as a catalyst for change. He knew I would straighten myself up and DEAL for her!
Sometimes we can beat ourselves up so much that we show no mercy. For the most part, I didn’t love myself during this time because I had yet to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Forgive myself for trusting people who showed no reason why they should be trusted. Forgive myself for putting so much emphasis on my control over my life when in truth…God has control. I had to be real with myself and the situation….it was then and only then that I started the journey of loving me. Once that journey began….I started getting…H-A-P-P-Y! Not happily single, because Lord knows I love that feeling of being WE, but content with where he has me, and allowing myself fall in love with me. I kinda like this “Single Erika” way better than past single Erika. That Erika jumped in and out of situations because I couldn’t stand the thought of rejection…the thought of being alone. The test came when I voluntarily took a ring OFF…ENDED the situation and did NOT CARE WHO HAD WHAT TO SAY! I didn’t care if I was in the Labor and delivery room alone…I knew I couldn’t be in a situation that was harmful on ALL Levels! It was not safe for me and MY daughter. I looked in the mirror after a very dangerous situation and I said…forget the fact that I had “just said yes” and that there would be questions….I simply did not care….I walked away and have been “alone” but not lonely since.
That’s not to say that my heart’s desire has changed at all because it hasn’t by a LONG shot! I still miss those yummy moments between someone you ACTUALLY love….the sound of someone genuinely infatuated with you and all your mess. The times were every moment consisted of thinking of that person….And I don’t have that…and I miss it. Especially now that I am mommy….I wish sometimes that when Erilyn does something silly I could witness it with my love by my side….ahhhh one day, but today doesn’t seem to be that day and it’s okay.
There are times when doing everything by myself becomes too much; I stop and pray for peace of mind before strength. I do this now because, I realized that I have the strength of a thousand men inside this little ole body. My soul has this…armor around it that cannot be penetrated, and my heart…my heart has been healed…the scars on my heart seem to fade, and that has yielded happiness mis amigos. I said all this to say….GET HAPPY! Do SOME WORK with YOU….don’t get so bogged down about what others think and try to compete with what you don’t know and understand. Do your work…get closer to God…become spiritually connected to something…anything that possesses positivity. Lemme tell you social media is a powerful tool… ya’ll better wake up and stop thinking a picture on IG tells the whole story or that a facebook status is the whole truth and nothing but the truth….but Im not gonna go there …ya’ll will figure it out on ya own….and also…. it’s none of my business
* Sips tea with Kermit the frog and hums …”because I’m happy”*