“The One”

Hands out stretched to mine

as your kisses rewind in my mind from

the first day…..our lips touched

I knew you were the one.

With your Greek God build….

to the way your smile makes me feel

and your arms enclose around me

I knew you were the one.

Though others came and went

with unnecessary time and energy spent.

I

Am

refreshed.

I am relieved,

Because God made me for you, and you for me.

I always knew you were the one

When your hands touch mine

it stops time and at times it feels like

I

Can

Finally

Breathe.

that I can do anything.

No haunting thoughts

no judgments

Just you setting me free

from the bondage and walls I put around me.

I graciously thank thee

for simply loving me and being the one,

No one can compare to the love we have

that grows  so bright that everyone knows.

I attempted to evade it ….the trial an error of something new

But our God continued to hold me close and speak to you.

Directing you to open the door

just a little more

to let my cynicism slide

and dwindle my pride

So that you can wipe the tears from my eyes while

I cried because I felt so forgotten…abandoned….and alone.

No one can judge our love to the point questions because

when you head in my direction on our first real date

I knew that you were the one and that one day I will bare your son

Mi Amore

because you are the one.

100 Grand

I have been wanting to write for some time now, but there was always an interruption….homework assignments, fatigue, work, Gracie typing on my laptop, etc. I would be in the shower and think of a marvelous title and then by the time I logged in…NADA. The last title that I had that I pondered on was ” No Shame November,” but its pretty pointless to write that now because it will be January 2015 in a couple days. I am not a candy eater. I believe that I used to be when I was younger and I ate so much that I have no desire to. Remember those candy bars 100 Grand….well thats how I feel. uber grand…and for so many different reasons. This is my second 4.0 semester, I had an amazing holiday with my family, and it was my babies first Christmas!
So, I have been sitting here with my spiked coffee ( coffee and Micheal’s Irish Cream and its delish btw) I also have Gerber blueberry graduates puffs that I give to Gracie to bribe her into giving me time to write. As I sit here, I am desperately trying to get a title formed which is my ritual to writing, and all I have is…thoughts. So, I will trust myself as a old friend of my suggested and “edit the crap later” and just….write. I have been putting myself….in a place to be surrounded by love whether that to receive love or to just give it to everyone. I try to charge myself to love on someone daily…be it saying something nice, being an ear to listen, making someone laugh or praying the love forward. It has not been hard to receive the love because…Alas….I am finally falling in love with something new. l decided in 2013 that I would NOT enter into another “situationship,”  and that I would close all of the doors to my past. Now of course in true Erie fashion…I truly went through every channel of my past to ensure that there was nothing to save….to prove to myself that nothing was there…. With my baptismal this was a easier feat for me because I began to use this new tool that it seems God rewarded me with…called divine intuition. I would feel this crazy gut feeling and Instead of questioning it I would just listen…and accept. I accepted that the past was just that…..I accepted that though I have strength I am not in control….I am  just a steward. And with that acceptance came contentment. I was finally okay with sleeping alone…well on nights I was lonely I would steal Grace out of her crib. I was okay with raising my daughter “alone” with the help of my amazing family. And you know what…..I feel the most empowered and happy in my life. I feel so…happy and I think that it was made me available to LOVE….yes…love…and it feels amazing. Love has been so evasive to me….I only had access to memories that at times I question if they were valid….but eh this what I feel is probably a mixture of my destiny, love, a tad lust, and purpose. I have been preparing myself for this moment. And as for being mommy….I have fallen in love with being a mom. I love seeing myself exude from her…..I smile when I am not upset that she is throwing a Mariah Carey Diva tantrum…yup life is grand….and it will continue to be…..2015 is bound to be mmmmazing…I mean I celebrated my “Golden Birthday” I am bound for greatness and greater is coming!!!!

“Headed in The Right Direction”

Today is a semi big day for me as I have decided to finally follow through with getting baptized! For me this was not a difficult decision; however, I have pondered for some time. I wanted to choose the right time for me. Like so many others, we were christened and baptized at the timing that others decided for us. For me, this decision is not one to decide If I want to follow God, because I already have. I communicate with him daily, and I have a spiritual connection with him thus the entire world. I must admit though that as an adult, I have done some un-proud things…that I can’t seem to forgive myself  for. I repent, pray, and know that HE forgives me yet I cant forgive myself….crazy isn’t it. I’d like to blame my critic that I blogged about earlier, but it’s also Me. I want to be in control of things and I feel at times that I shouldn’t be forgiven even though I know all about mercy and Grace.

Oh but Grace! When Erilyn was conceived it brought about uncertainty in me. I could not forgive myself for bringing a child into this world out of wedlock. I was hard on myself because I didn’t break the cycle. As a result of this I felt like I was being punished thus why I was thrust into single motherhood. I felt abandoned by her father and isolated from so many people…. Oh but GRACE! She saved me…I was on a path of darkness so dark that I had no idea where I was. Though I have gotten closer to God, and my faith is unwaivering I am ready to Move on! Forgive ME….for real this time. Not take back the struggles and weight that God requests from me. But give him my broken heart and truly receive a whole one. This baptism is so symbolic for me because I envision that the clear water will literally wash the pain away….the rejection that I have battled….the scars of unhealthy friendships and relationships. I must admit…I am excited! I am tired of living in chronic and constant frustration mode…after all you cannot run away from you! I know that I feel great in knowing I will be the same Erika when I emerge from the liquid pool of forgiveness…the essence of me will be the same, yet my hear…my heart will finally be healed and not bandaged…and my soul….will be filled with Grace! So elated to be finally headed in the right direction!!! So….be happy for me…cause after a week of the devil attacking me saying that I was worthless and giving me every reason under the sun to wavier…I will emerge from the water the woman and mother that he designed for me to be…..no more self destruction….never no more.

*Sighs and smiles*

“The Critic”

The past week has been just like many others…simply overwhelming. It is amazing to me that time and time again, I am able to realize that God puts random people in my life for my better good. When I first enrolled into graduate school, I was determined yet afraid. All of my friends had already obtained their credentials from graduate school so I felt isolated when I began school. To be honest I feel kind of isolated all the time lately. It seems that my inner circle as supportive as ever can’t really identify how and why I feel….off these days. So, when I began my grad career in an even more isolated form via online…I was not sure exactly how this would all work out. I began to utilize the supports of financial and academic advisors to ease my transition from overworked social worker in crisis mode daily to a student….in crisis mode…working full time with a newborn. I have developed a pretty awesome relationship with my academic advisor who just seems to be intrigued by me…and my story. He is careful to listen and slow to speak. Allowing me to truly vent about anything, because after all everything is connected and comes full circle.

The past week I felt myself breaking down….my energy being sucked out of me and my body quickly following suit. I realized that every time I combed my hair clumps of hair would fall out… no matter how hard I smiled…it just didn’t feel right. There were never-ending migraines with nausea. Restless nights, erratic appetites and jittery hands. Over all, I was overwhelmed with the idea of being overwhelmed…. and I was angry at myself. Everyday that the tension in my body grew I became more upset with ME. I felt that this time period should be OVER. I should not still be dealing with post partum, after all my daughter is 6 months old. I should be feeling better. I should be happier…. my daughter and I are flourishing in spite of the ups and downs of finances and the struggles of single motherhood. I should be okay with my new role as a parent…. not STILL frustrate about doing it along. I was upset that I was upset. I started to just cry day in and out…mopped around my house and seemed to lack direction in making myself feel better. Despite feeling this way, I was exhaustedly ensuring that no one knew why I felt this way. I would muster all my energy and fake my way through meetings with pageant smiles and mindless chatter. I never missed a homework assignment….never missed a day of work….oh the critic!

I had been contemplating running away…or seeking out help. I called both my spiritual and secular therapist to make psych appointments…enlisted supports to take Erilyn for a day or two….I went into social work mode, oh but that was just scratching the surface. While driving and making all these arrangements I received a phone call from no one other than my beloved academic advisor to just “check in on ya” before I knew it I just had diarrhea of the mouth…I admitted all the things I had hidden and was ashamed to admit. I told him how angry I was at myself when he told me to STOP!!!!! He said this doesn’t sound like you….this sounds like your critic. The critic is that voice in your head telling you that you SHOULD be doing more even though you’re already exhausted yourself. The critic could care less about what you have accomplished despite difficulties, because the critic wants what it wants…CONTROL! I sat and thought….well he could be onto something here. I thought about how much energy I was putting into beating my own self up knowing that I had no business doing so. I realized that the motivation behind such behavior was nobody other than my nosey critic who keeps her opinion in everything. Once I identified my critic, I assessed that she means me no well. Though I identify with her desire to “make me the best” the best is not realistic. I had to realize that I had to be stronger than my critic and silence it…or better yet tell her, ” Look Ma’am… I am doing the best I can do…have a seat.” My advisor charged me to tell the critic aloud every time to HAVE A SEAT!!!! I decided that I will have to do this more often because I need to put more energy into making me healthy. I realized that my critic though loud and obnoxious has become quite tame after the acknowledgement that she exists. I have yet to truly silence her but with the enlistment of help it will b easier to simpky tell her to shut the entire help up. I will tell her i love her but im doing the BEST i can though it feels like im not….. i will simply learn to ignore her beautiful yet annoying voice.

“Because I’m Happy” *Pharell Voice*

Hola everyone!!!! *waves and smiles* It has been a minute since I last wrote, and it has not been because I haven’t had anything to write about lol. With all the randomness going on in the world you all should know that I have so much to say, but I’d rather write about my theories on Ebola, our economy and the Millenial mindset, with a dash of TV commentary on my twitter feed…where no one truly listens. I’d much rather spend these precious moments with you love bugs talking about mmaZing things!

Welp guys….I am HAPPY!!! *throws confetti* No truly I am, and it has nothing to do with my moods, because Lord know’s I am still up and down. Lately I have been putting much energy into positive thinking. When I have been met with resistance in life and things have been a mess at times…I vent, refuse to let it linger and I…*drum roll* MOVE ON!!! Gone are the days that I let stuff that is out of my control run me crazy! I just cannot do it anymore. I refuse to stress about things that I cannot change. Because of this thought process I am able to feel at peace….which has turned into happiness! I realized that the more I consult God and look into myself for the strength that I have no business allowing stress to rule over me. There are times where I have noticed that my hair was falling out…I am talking bout BAD yall….(but shoutout to my stylist Dani #YoutherealMVP)!!! I still have days where I wake up and my body seems to just be tired and weary. It has been a crazy 2 years of my life and SO MUCH has happened. It seems that my life is starting to finally settle down. Even though my plate is full with my lovely muffin, getting my master’s, volunteering at hospice, and working full time, but things are kinda chill….settled. When I don’t have the energy..I allow myself to rest and enjoy the simple things. I have explored new friends and allies along with embracing my family much tighter. In fact…I don’t like to think that I have friends…I have mi familia! After all, when I think of my supports who have been there when stuff got real…you gotta be a member of my village…thus my family! :)

When I am feeling adventurous….I venture out of my little world of being mommy….get pretty and I go sit at a bar… usually alone and have a martini and think..or I go to brunch with my friends….I feel like me. In those moments of solitude, I sit and watch the people around me and just…Think.Being a parent you embrace those moments of simply thinking. You just let your mind wonder. Its in those moments that I realized that for once….I am not happy as a result of a relationship. You see, My happiness used to be determined on if I was romantically involved with someone. I was not happy if I were single because “They shoot single people Don’t They?” #blogplug. I used to despise being single because I loved being in…Love. That’s until I figured out that I didn’t truly love myself. It wasn’t until I was alone in the dark rooms, and sitting in the OB office getting sonograms alone… that I realized that I didn’t Love Me. How can you love yourself when you’re numb?

I realized that when “party girl Erie” was placed on hold, and the “friends” were gone… that I needed to do a self-check. Sometimes, I would just let the phone ring…I’d sit in the darkness and think. During those dark moments, not one positive thing about myself would come to mind. I’d sit there and think of all the failed relationships.I thought about all the bad things I had done, all the times I acted out while in a manic haze. I thought about all the times I didn’t want to be me…and those dark moments of suicide and it’s all because I didn’t love me. I hid behind my diagnosis because I didn’t love me. Ladies and Gentlemen, if you cannot love you…how can someone else? If you don’t value and cherish your self….what do your children see?

After much debate with myself, it came to me that the reason why I was so skeptical about becoming a mother is because one I DIDN’T PLAN IT ( I felt I needed to say that…AGAIN for good measure because everyone around me had PLANNED their babies LOL). Anywho the main reason I was skeptical/afraid/doubtful during my pregnancy is because I hadn’t fixed everything about me. I didn’t want to expose my children to MY unresolved issues of rejection, the ups and downs of bipolar, and personal demons. I felt that I didn’t have time to prepare for single motherhood which was something I never thought would occur. I thought that I ultimately did not have time to prepare for Erilyn financially WHILE maintaining my sanity AND deal with all my stuff. This drove me crazy!!!! I didn’t have anyone to talk to and after awhile I didn’t want to speak. What I didn’t take into account is that God used my unexpected pregnancy as a catalyst for change. He knew I would straighten myself up and DEAL for her!

Sometimes we can beat ourselves up so much that we show no mercy. For the most part, I didn’t love myself during this time because I had yet to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Forgive myself for trusting people who showed no reason why they should be trusted. Forgive myself for putting so much emphasis on my control over my life when in truth…God has control. I had to be real with myself and the situation….it was then and only then that I started the journey of loving me. Once that journey began….I started getting…H-A-P-P-Y! Not happily single, because Lord knows I love that feeling of being WE, but content with where he has me, and allowing myself fall in love with me. I kinda like this “Single Erika” way better than past single Erika. That Erika jumped in and out of situations because I couldn’t stand the thought of rejection…the thought of being alone. The test came when I voluntarily took a ring OFF…ENDED the situation and did NOT CARE WHO HAD WHAT TO SAY! I didn’t care if I was in the Labor and delivery room alone…I knew I couldn’t be in a situation that was harmful on ALL Levels! It was not safe for me and MY daughter. I looked in the mirror after a very dangerous situation and I said…forget the fact that I had “just said yes” and that there would be questions….I simply did not care….I walked away and have been “alone” but not lonely since.

That’s not to say that my heart’s desire has changed at all because it hasn’t by a LONG shot! I still miss those yummy moments between someone you ACTUALLY love….the sound of someone genuinely infatuated with you and all your mess. The times were every moment consisted of thinking of that person….And I don’t have that…and I miss it. Especially now that I am mommy….I wish sometimes that when Erilyn does something silly I could witness it with my love by my side….ahhhh one day, but today doesn’t seem to be that day and it’s okay.

There are times when doing everything by myself becomes too much; I stop and pray for peace of mind before strength. I do this now because, I realized that I have the strength of a thousand men inside this little ole body. My soul has this…armor around it that cannot be penetrated, and my heart…my heart has been healed…the scars on my heart seem to fade, and that has yielded happiness mis amigos. I said all this to say….GET HAPPY! Do SOME WORK with YOU….don’t get so bogged down about what others think and try to compete with what you don’t know and understand. Do your work…get closer to God…become spiritually connected to something…anything that possesses positivity. Lemme tell you social media is a powerful tool… ya’ll better wake up and stop thinking a picture on IG tells the whole story or that a facebook status is the whole truth and nothing but the truth….but Im not gonna go there …ya’ll will figure it out on ya own….and also…. it’s none of my business

* Sips tea with Kermit the frog and hums …”because I’m happy”*

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