I looked at myself in the mirror today and decided to actually say some positive affirmations to myself. I told myself “You are doing the best that you can,” “You are a great mommy and wife,” “You are strong” “You are still beautiful” “You’re a great Social Worker”. I said a couple of other affirmations that I can’t remember, but you get the jest. I was telling myself all things that were true, but for the life of me I HAD to remind myself. As I was looking at myself in the mirror I noticed that it was hard to watch. It seemed as if it was hard for me to smile, but eventually I was able to get a glimmer of a smile. Lately, there has been this dark cloud that seemed to be over my shoulders no matter what I tried to do. I have not had the energy to do the simple things. All I could do was care for my babies and that’s it. Thank God for that little bit of energy. I only had the energy to meet their needs, and this is no way to exist. Granted I am proud of myself for pushing just enough to get them fed, dressed, held, read to, taken to daycare, etc. I was unable to cook, unable to clean, unable to sit up without crumpling over. I cared very little about my appearance. In fact, I cared for much of nothing to include eating.
So, back to this dark cloud….This cloud made me feel so overwhelmed with just breathing. I did not want to speak to anyone, but I made myself mumble things to my poor husband. I sat and compared myself to every mom that I saw on social media smiling with their newborns. I compared my post partum body to all the women on IG and on television. I wondered why I cannot be like them. Why am I wiping tears while I clean bottles? Why am I dreading waking up AND going to sleep? I imagined that I had to be the worse mom on the planet, and there was no way for someone to convince me of anything different. I prayed often for strength, peace of mind, and energy. When I spoke to family they asked what I wanted for the holidays and I simply stated, “prayer.” To me that was the most important thing that someone could do for me and it seems to have paid off.
And then poof, one day it seems that the cloud has dissipated. The sky is gray at times, but the cloud wasn’t in sight. I could breathe a little. I would like to think that it is due to the massive amounts of prayers I have prayed as well as prayers on my behalf. When I sit and think though I believe it’s due to acceptance. I finally admitted to myself and excuse me for what I am about to say, but THIS SHIT IS HARD…..but it can and WILL be done. It is HARD, but (postpartum depression) PPD won’t always be a factor. IT is EFFIN HARD and it’s ok….because that’s my truth. My life has changed drastically and I am currently going through a transitional phase physically (my hair is still falling out and the baby weight has yet to remove itself) emotionally and somewhat spiritually, but it will all become my new normal. Being a new wife, mommy of two babies, a caregiver, a full time social worker, grad student and wearing all the hats that I wear will just be my new life. I had to accept that there is NO BALANCE. With that I had to humble myself and realize that I could not finish school right now. I fought myself on this and made up reasons why I should just try to just get through the semester. But with humbling yourself comes great sacrifice and I made the call last week. I told my advisor that I was not willing to put my 4.0 in jeopardy, and most importantly my sanity.
There just aren’t enough hours in a day to achieve this unrealistic goal of “balance”. I remember my frat brother texted me congratulating me on giving birth and he asked how I was doing and what I am looking forward to with my two girls. I happily told him I was waiting on BALANCE….and he laughed at me and told me “good luck.” I stared at my phone like….”how dare he ruin my idea.” I was still adamant that it can be done because I “thrive off having balance” and what do you know….I started to decline…..I was failing to thrive. So, now with my acceptance which was a stage in the grieving process I feel like I can do it. I can do what I can do and there is nothing else to it. I may not be able to scratch off everything on my to-do list, there will be times where I will just shed a couple of tears just because, and there will be times where I am so exhausted I cannot breathe…but I will keep breathing. I have been thanking God for this feeling of peace. I have even taken to social media to ensure that I thank my followers for their kisses to the sky in my favor.
There’s an Aretha Franklin song called “Say a little prayer for you” and it has been so evident in my life right now. The important goal is to not forget to pray now that I feel better; But to charge myself to use that same diligence and “Lord…..I Need You” passion to ensure that I keep him first. It was hard for me to write lately because I didn’t want my writings to be woe is me, but I hope this helps someone going through this same or something similar. The clouds must dissipate. The sun will shine again. And prayer truly works.
*hums “Say a Little Prayer for You” *