The dreaded journey of turning thirty wasn’t so bad. For me, turning thirty was an accomplishment. It was a reminder that I had successfully been through so much and that God didn’t forget me. I got married a month before turning 30, and never looked back. Little did I know that I would experience most of the months of being “dirty thirty” pregnant, moody, and depressed. Granted I welcomed the change of scenery of my new home, I was ecstatic to give birth to my honeymoon baby, and managing all the hats I had to wear. I learned in this short year that I don’t wanna HAVE to be super woman. I don’t want to be viewed as someone without balance. I literally worked to the day I gave birth. I was worried about work crap when my baby and I both needed an emergency C-section. Throughout the year; I looked around and saw overworked and unhappy women because we feel the need to wear the “Cape.” I looked in the mirror and saw myself….exhausted with bags under my eyes trying to turn in an assignment and maintain the 4.0. I decided that I didn’t want to be only identified by my struggles. Yes, I overcame my struggles, but I am NOT only my struggles. I am a walking testimony. I didn’t WANT to be on #teamnosleep…hell I need my sleep! I learned that I wanted a positive work life balance. I want to be a present mommy/wife and career woman, and with faith I believe this is possible. Which is why I had to make the rough decision to sit out of school for another semester. I cried….and cried when I realized my graduation date would be pushed back. But I knew I needed balance. I had to be mature about where I was in life, and what was more important to me. The positive work life balance I yearn for is closer as a result of my recent decision. I just gotta figure out HOW! How to balance it ALL. I didn’t want to sacrifice peace and wellbeing to be seen as Superwoman even though I married Captain America. I just want to be Erie…..simply Erika Nicole. I am longing for 31 to get here so I can apply the lessons I have learned.
In fact, I am somewhat looking forward to turning 31 next month. It will bring yet another year of growth and blessings. If you have been keeping up with my writings; the past couple months have been rough on little ole me. When I take into account all of the changes that I physically, emotionally, and spiritually went through recently it would obvious to feel where I been coming from. Lately, my daily mantra of “Just breathe Erie” has been coming in handy. Anxiety is such a dreadful emotion, and for some reason there is the thought that one can control the anxiety that seems to creep from the back of your neck to the tips of your toes. For record, the only thing you can do is …breathe. Breathe through the anxiety even you cant remember how to breathe during the moment. Yea, you can pop a Xanax or khlonpin, but you still gotta breathe…slow your heart rate down and remember that God will get you through the moment……and that it will all be over soon.
I for one feel pretty ….ok today. I showered (yall this is like therapy for me), put my hair in my pig tails, put on my day jewelry, and waited for the babies to get to nap time. Ahhhhh Nap time. A part of me wanted to nap right with them, but instead decided to embrace these rare moments of solitude. I dusted off my laptop, sent my husband to the gym, “put them babies” in their respective cribs, made a cup of pumpkin spice tea in my “Im fucking Fabulous” mug and decided to vent-write.
Hitting the 31 next month for me will hopefully be a sense of awakening. Walking into motherhood a little more confident, one year of being a wife under my belt, and embracing being a homeowner without feeling like I am behind on everything. Learning how to truly breathe is one of my short term goals along with creating a schedule for myself. I was talking with my mother in law yesterday over a nice glass of red wine and she told me how proud of me she is. I didn’t know that before that moment I needed “mommy validation.” It seems lately I haven’t been as confident as I usually am. As a result, I have been needing more validation from everyone about EVERYTHING. I hate this phase I have been transitioning from. It’s kind of annoying to feel completely and utterly overwhelmed and feeling that you’re doing everything WRONG. I feel as if I put so much pressure on myself to fulfill these roles that I am driving myself insane. Even when I decide to do something for me (leave the house, get some girl talk in, etc) the mom guilt creeps in which causes me to cry as soon as I leave the home and second guess EVERYTHING all OVER AGAIN. AHHHHH hormones! Mood swings! PPD!
UGH. it’s been rough, but just as always I will survive….I am surviving…and this too shall pass.
*chugs tea, shakes pig tails, checks baby monitor for gracie, sighs and preps for bottle time with nugget*