Lately I have not been in the mood to write. I have the desire sometimes, but it is usually overshadowed by my many roles and hats that I wear. This has also been the longest stretch of me being completely compliant with my psychotropic medications. In my eyes, this is a good and bad thing. For one, It seems that I have not had any drastic mood swings. I still have mood swings, but nothing that I can’t handle. The bad thing is that I still experience mood swings despite being compliant. But the most horrible feeling is still feeling the side effects. Every now and then, I suffer from extreme anxiety. The kind where you are so anxious that you become irritable and fidgety. Gosh that feeling is the worst. Despite going to the gym daily I cannot seem to get the weight off that my medications caused. I believe that this is the most horrible and unfair side effect. No matter how many times Gabe says he loves every bit of me (and I believe him), but I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I have never weighed this much!!!! It’s hard to feel motivated to take this medication that causes so many issues especially when its doing a number on my self esteem.
Things aren’t all bad because I still have just enough energy to get my grad school assignments done while maintaining a 4.0, I am able to finally connect with my daughter emotionally, I put in tons of effort to show my fiancée how much I Love him and need him. I do this all the while working full time with numerous projects, making nightly meals for my family and trying to remain….SANE.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. I also find a way to feel like I am not doing everything for everyone. I reckon this is all unrealistic expectations that I put on myself. The lesson that I am having to learn is that everything takes awhile and to be gentle with myself. It’s going to be awhile for me to become truly healed from the trauma that plagues me daily. Because its gonna take awhile…. I gotta stay diligent with myself…..keep my dreams within reach….and forgive myself for not being perfect……because perfect doesn’t exist……I need to learn to get comfy on this journey…to accept the skin I am in…and to accept the fact that I am medicated to make myself healthier……That its gonna take awhile to eventually become holistically bipolar without the use of meds…I believe that its possible for me…that day is just not today…
so yeah….its definitely gone be awhile… chile….