“Post-Partum on a Post-it”

I have literally had a post it with this word on it for more than 8 months. I have  been battling post-partum for some time. Professionals tell me that it doesn’t matter that my daughter is now a rambunctious one year old. Apparently, one can still suffer well after the midnight feedings and tummy times. I always knew that I would be susceptible to post partum due to my diagnosis, but I see it all around me. It’s like a secret society that no one wants to admit that they are a member of the ” Overwhelmed Mommy Club.” As usual, I am no stranger to admitting to my downfalls and weaknesses with the hope that it will help someone.

It feels like I missed some very important times when Erilyn was first born….for some reason (I hate to admit this) but I could not emotionally connect to my gorgeous twin. Make no mistake at the time as a single mommy I did the early morning feedings, pediatric appointments all the while at the time working 60 hours weeks at DFCS. I would change her diaper….and put her back down. I just couldn’t hold her…..I was so overwhelmed, so scared to do the wrong things. I was so upset with my circumstance and believe me things were crazy right after Erilyn was born. My job at then time refused to pay me due to leave discrepancies….  My job still expected for me to work the 3rd shift with a newborn WITHOUT pay. With medical bills coming left to right due to our extended stay at the hospital and Erilyn being in the NICU I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Everything some bleak despite my enormous amounts of faith. I would make myself pick her up in those dark times pleading with her to forgive me for being so depressed. I would lay her close to me and just stare trying to will myself to feel something….I felt so horrible for feeling inadequate for my daughter. After all, I was all she had. My mood swings were out of control. I couldn’t see the glass being half full or half empty. I would pray and pray that I wanted to be a great mommy.But that darn post partum. I would just cry and cry. Moving mechanically as I changed her  diaper. My father was around to help out because there were days I just Couldn’t Do it! And I hated to admit it to myself that though post partum was a trigger for my bipolar that I had to realize that God was my inspiration…that eventually I would just snap out of it. And I eventually did…one day I looked at my Panda and saw the most beautiful face…Her smell would bring me comfort and I enjoyed picking her up….singing to her. Even though this happened there would still be times where  I felt disconnected…..I then began to feel like an alien in my skin. My body was not the same body that I was used to. The aftermath of the emergency c section took a toll on me physically and emotionally…it is sometimes overwhelming to see the scars. Most importanly I felt less than and that Gracie was too good for me . After all I had no idea what I was doing as a mom….a single mom at that. It a was so overwhelming….even now I see that there are women who probably feel the same, but are ashamed. I think that the culprit is that we have  these unrealistic pressures on ourselves. We spend unnecessary time comparing our bodies to other mothers, especially celebrity moms. I think we all should put our superwoman capes on the rack and let ourselves feel anything and everything. We have to come to terms that things are now different….we have received the greatest blessing of all and we are all more alike than different. As I look at the post it in front of me I feel a bit empowered because I have been honest….now my little panda is independent and finding her way and though I feel like I missed her first couple months of life I am blessed to see her grown now….from walking to running…from babbling to speaking….to her yelling mommy and with the support of my husband I can share the work….and that is an what God as preparing me for…to accept this blessing and appreciate life and love….

“It’s Gonna Be Awhile Chile”

Lately I have not been in the mood to write. I have the desire sometimes, but it is usually overshadowed by my many roles and hats that I wear. This has also been the longest stretch of me being completely compliant with my psychotropic medications. In my eyes, this is a good and bad thing. For one, It seems that I have not had any drastic mood swings. I still have mood swings, but nothing that I can’t handle. The bad thing is that I still experience mood swings despite being compliant. But the most horrible feeling is still feeling the side effects. Every now and then, I suffer from extreme anxiety. The kind where you are so anxious that you become irritable and fidgety. Gosh that feeling is the worst. Despite going to the gym daily I cannot seem to get the weight off that my medications caused. I believe that this is the most horrible and unfair side effect. No matter how many times Gabe says he loves every bit of me (and I believe him), but I feel uncomfortable  in my own skin. I  have never weighed this much!!!! It’s hard to feel motivated to take this medication that causes so many issues especially when its doing a number on my self esteem.

Things aren’t all bad because I still have just enough energy to get my grad school assignments done while maintaining a 4.0, I am able to finally connect with my daughter emotionally, I put in tons of effort to show my fiancée how much I Love him and need him. I do this all the while working full time with numerous projects, making nightly meals for my family and trying to remain….SANE.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. I also find a way to feel like I am not doing everything for everyone. I reckon this is all unrealistic expectations that I put on myself.  The lesson that I am having to learn is that everything takes awhile and to be gentle with myself.   It’s   going to be awhile for me to become truly healed from the trauma that plagues me daily. Because its gonna take awhile…. I gotta stay diligent with myself…..keep my dreams within reach….and forgive myself for not being perfect……because perfect doesn’t exist……I need to learn to get comfy on this journey…to accept the skin I am in…and to accept the fact that I am medicated to make myself healthier……That its gonna take awhile to eventually become holistically bipolar without the use of meds…I believe that its possible for me…that day is just not today…

so yeah….its definitely  gone be awhile… chile….

It’s Gonna Be Awhile Chile”

Lately I have not been in the mood to write. I have the desire sometimes, but it is usually overshadowed by my many roles and hats that I wear. This has also been the longest stretch of me being completely compliant with my psychotropic medications. In my eyes, this is a good and bad thing. For one, It seems that I have not had any drastic mood swings. I still have mood swings, but nothing that I can’t handle. The bad thing is that I still experience mood swings despite being compliant. But the most horrible feeling is still feeling the side effects. Every now and then, I suffer from extreme anxiety. The kind where you are so anxious that you become irritable and fidgety. Gosh that feeling is the worst. Despite going to the gym daily I cannot seem to get the weight off that my medications caused. I believe that this is the most horrible and unfair side effect. No matter how many times Gabe says he loves every bit of me (and I believe him), but I feel uncomfortable  in my own skin. I  have never weighed this much!!!! It’s hard to feel motivated to take this medication that causes so many issues especially when its doing a number on my self esteem.

Things aren’t all bad because I still have just enough energy to get my grad school assignments done while maintaining a 4.0, I am able to finally connect with my daughter emotionally, I put in tons of effort to show my fiancée how much I Love him and need him. I do this all the while working full time with numerous projects, making nightly meals for my family and trying to remain….SANE.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. I also find a way to feel like I am not doing everything for everyone. I reckon this is all unrealistic expectations that I put on myself.  The lesson that I am having to learn is that everything takes awhile and to be gentle with myself.   It’s   going to be awhile for me to become truly healed from the trauma that plagues me daily. Because its gonna take awhile…. I gotta stay diligent with myself…..keep my dreams within reach….and forgive myself for not being perfect……because perfect doesn’t exist……I need to learn to get comfy on this journey…to accept the skin I am in…and to accept the fact that I am medicated to make myself healthier……so yeah….its definitely  gone be awhile… chile….

“The One”

Hands out stretched to mine

as your kisses rewind in my mind from

the first day…..our lips touched

I knew you were the one.

With your Greek God build….

to the way your smile makes me feel

and your arms enclose around me

I knew you were the one.

Though others came and went

with unnecessary time and energy spent.

I

Am

refreshed.

I am relieved,

Because God made me for you, and you for me.

I always knew you were the one

When your hands touch mine

it stops time and at times it feels like

I

Can

Finally

Breathe.

that I can do anything.

No haunting thoughts

no judgments

Just you setting me free

from the bondage and walls I put around me.

I graciously thank thee

for simply loving me and being the one,

No one can compare to the love we have

that grows  so bright that everyone knows.

I attempted to evade it ….the trial an error of something new

But our God continued to hold me close and speak to you.

Directing you to open the door

just a little more

to let my cynicism slide

and dwindle my pride

So that you can wipe the tears from my eyes while

I cried because I felt so forgotten…abandoned….and alone.

No one can judge our love to the point questions because

when you head in my direction on our first real date

I knew that you were the one and that one day I will bare your son

Mi Amore

because you are the one.

100 Grand

I have been wanting to write for some time now, but there was always an interruption….homework assignments, fatigue, work, Gracie typing on my laptop, etc. I would be in the shower and think of a marvelous title and then by the time I logged in…NADA. The last title that I had that I pondered on was ” No Shame November,” but its pretty pointless to write that now because it will be January 2015 in a couple days. I am not a candy eater. I believe that I used to be when I was younger and I ate so much that I have no desire to. Remember those candy bars 100 Grand….well thats how I feel. uber grand…and for so many different reasons. This is my second 4.0 semester, I had an amazing holiday with my family, and it was my babies first Christmas!
So, I have been sitting here with my spiked coffee ( coffee and Micheal’s Irish Cream and its delish btw) I also have Gerber blueberry graduates puffs that I give to Gracie to bribe her into giving me time to write. As I sit here, I am desperately trying to get a title formed which is my ritual to writing, and all I have is…thoughts. So, I will trust myself as a old friend of my suggested and “edit the crap later” and just….write. I have been putting myself….in a place to be surrounded by love whether that to receive love or to just give it to everyone. I try to charge myself to love on someone daily…be it saying something nice, being an ear to listen, making someone laugh or praying the love forward. It has not been hard to receive the love because…Alas….I am finally falling in love with something new. l decided in 2013 that I would NOT enter into another “situationship,”  and that I would close all of the doors to my past. Now of course in true Erie fashion…I truly went through every channel of my past to ensure that there was nothing to save….to prove to myself that nothing was there…. With my baptismal this was a easier feat for me because I began to use this new tool that it seems God rewarded me with…called divine intuition. I would feel this crazy gut feeling and Instead of questioning it I would just listen…and accept. I accepted that the past was just that…..I accepted that though I have strength I am not in control….I am  just a steward. And with that acceptance came contentment. I was finally okay with sleeping alone…well on nights I was lonely I would steal Grace out of her crib. I was okay with raising my daughter “alone” with the help of my amazing family. And you know what…..I feel the most empowered and happy in my life. I feel so…happy and I think that it was made me available to LOVE….yes…love…and it feels amazing. Love has been so evasive to me….I only had access to memories that at times I question if they were valid….but eh this what I feel is probably a mixture of my destiny, love, a tad lust, and purpose. I have been preparing myself for this moment. And as for being mommy….I have fallen in love with being a mom. I love seeing myself exude from her…..I smile when I am not upset that she is throwing a Mariah Carey Diva tantrum…yup life is grand….and it will continue to be…..2015 is bound to be mmmmazing…I mean I celebrated my “Golden Birthday” I am bound for greatness and greater is coming!!!!

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