I have recently been told from on of my fave tribe members is that I am always in my head. Now I kinda knew this. Ok wait, (Lies, Unicorns, and Fallacies)! I know that I live in my head. I have created a whole furnished studio apartment in my head….Go ahead…take a seat on my Ikea couch…
When I am in my head, I can sit in a room and my mind is racing so fast that I cannot keep up. I ruminate over and over about every single detail that I face. I am a self-proclaimed pseudo empath. For some reason, I soak up the feelings and auras of others that aren’t spoken. On the other hand, I am very assertive and am constantly assessing everything around me. I think of the worst possible so that I can prepare myself….EVERYDAY! No wonder I am exhausted, and when I am in a mood this is just magnified. I become over sensitive to everything, I cower, and unfortunately find something…ANYTHING to beat myself over. Everything overwhelms me and I am totally unable to express myself without sobbing. Ugh it must be horrible to be subjected to this…(See…Here a bih go).
As I write this, I am realizing “Girl…. Get a grip…life is too short.” And though I know this… I sometimes hold onto ALL the guilt, and project it on to those closest to me; when in reality I should be Moving the eff on, accept that in that particular situation “I effed up” and rid myself of all my mistakes.
Basically, I do an amazing job at beating myself up, but I suck at cheering for myself during these times. At some point in my life, seeking validation became a characteristic of mines. I honestly don’t remember when this began; however, I remember a blog… or maybe it was a poem…anyways; it was written a long time ago, and I stated “sometimes I feel like a girl with two faces.” The thought process behind this was that sometimes on the outside I reek of self-confidence, I walk with my head up despite what’s going on inside of me. I glow…I have this regal aura about myself. People tell me I light up a room. I can legit beast a presentation with little to not effort simply because I know my skillset…and I am amazing at procrastination. But on the inside, I am constantly assessing myself…I am constantly worrying about the most ludicrous and random shit on the planet. I can be sitting there watching tv feeling guilty that I haven’t folded all the clothes. I can be dead ass tired and not feel like reading Dr. Seuss to my babies, and feel like a horrible mom. My favorite effed up thought is that I feel bad for taking time for myself. Another example, I can have an issue with someone, and automatically assume that they are disgusted with me….when they haven’t said a thing.
I ask myself, “Self…When TF did this happen?” How? I hate to say that this is magnified when I am hypomanic, but its true. When I feel the moods shifting that is when I notice that I become very paranoid. I am anxious…I ruminate, I am imposing guilt on myself about everything, and the dumbest of all …I am good at nothing which is FAR from the truth. I immediately seek validation that I am a good mom and wife, because these roles are important to me. I like to think that I simply forget, because honestly this whole time is literally a fog. My thoughts get all jumbled and my brain is mush. I will try to recall an event that was literally a day ago, and I am unable to. Or, I repeat myself over and over in my rapid speech and hella emotions, and my friends go “Erie…. You already told me that”. I then notice my demeanor and one of two things happen: My tribe will say something and I go “really…..what….? *Erie voice* or I isolate myself, and my thoughts. It’s truly a vicious cycle. Then….I either become super diligent in not feeling that way i.e contact my therapist, confide in my inner circle, inform my husband how I feel, use healthy coping mechanisms… and as of late…WRITE.
The ultimate thing that occurs eventually is that I crash….like literally. I get swallowed up. I sleep too much in order to function, I barely eat or gorge food, and I feel utterly overwhelmed, anxious, tearful, and ugh!!!!!!!!! BTW this blog is all over the place. If only I could get out of my head more and start living in the moment…life would be a tad easier.
Don’t get me wrong…I know that I am a work in process. “I am a living document” as corporate America says. I am on a quest to constantly grow and stretch myself. This phase seems to be uncomfortable to myself, and I am sure to others, but it must be done. After all, I am finally at a stage (my 30’s) where I made my dumb mistakes in my twenties, and now I am applying the lessons. I have picked the path that I am walking on, and I am realizing this shit is ROUGH mmmkay! Also, in this phase, I have surrendered to my faith; even when I am beating myself up. My faith Is ultimately my reminder, and provides me with the sincerest validation. In this phase, I ensure to take my time to soak in the moments with my babies and husband. I appreciate the relationships that survived my manic/depressive phases, the relationships that did not grow with me, and appreciate the fact that those people had their role in my play of life….
Ahhhh… As I write I feel the change…. getting out of my head bit by bit and enhancing my heart! Outside my mind, and inside my heart! Writing therapy is truly DOPE…and FREE!!!!!
*Sips red blend and gets ready to watch “broly” on a jailbroken firestick with my forever bestie #dontjudgeus*