Hi guys! It has been awhile since I last wrote. I would contribute that to me being all over the place. Ensuring that I get everything done in both my family and career. I have also made the insane, but necessary decision to re-enroll and finish my Masters degree. Crazy! I know, but its so necessary for me to get back on track and put myself back into the game. I have finally created a fail proof schedule with the girls, my husband is supportive, and work is flexible….so why wait. Plus, I hate not finishing something that I have started. Something that I have invested time, energy, and passion into. When I look back to my scholastic journey it has always been riddled with challenges….that I would overcome. I began grad school while Erilyn was only 4 months old. I just told myself ….I have to do this for my little girl. I wanted to be able to not only provide for her, but to ensure that I reached my highest potential. I began school and surprisingly I excelled higher than I ever could imagine. I was afraid that after being out of the classroom for years since Auburn that I lost my mojo. What I realized that working in the social work field somehow gave me this DRIVE. I also like to think that becoming a mother gave me super powers and the will to just “get it done” no matter what.
So, back to present day. I am now a working wife and mother of two. I have to drum up the courage and guile to be the best that I can be. I fear; however, that before I resume this journey that I have lost myself. It seems that everything has taken a back seat to being mommy including being Erie. I noticed that I no longer do the things that make me happy. I don’t read or write like I used to. This brought me great joy, and an outlet. Now, I just don’t have the time, and when I get time….I don’t have the energy. I realized today that I am afraid that I will never be Erika again. After the post partum, I felt tons better. I felt like a better version of Me, but I have yet to feel like Erie.
Yes, I do mommy maintenance by getting my hair done bi weekly, getting massages when I can, and going to get pedicures. Those things I feel are non negotiables. I try to relish my me time that usually looks like me being in the car during my commute listening to “The read” or my fave songs. This also includes SHOWERS….yeah I said it SHOWERS. Long, hot, showers….ALONE without Eriane crying or Erilyn coming into the bathroom to ask me a million and one questions. *sighs* I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. And unfortunately there are some situations that Moms don’t even get my non negotiables. But what about losing me….my biggest fear since bringing my babies into this world is being a crappy mom or that I would lose my identity. I think this bothers me more, because I had my babies AFTER being by myself for so long. I was able to be selfish with myself and my time….things I cannot do anymore. I have to surpress my Sagittarius urge to just hop in the car and travel….go and put my hands in the air as my window is down. I know that my babies wont be babies forever…that I should focus more on cherishing these rare moments, and that I will get that time back….eventually. I guess I am wondering if there is balance to seek? Is there a way that I can at least FEEL like Erie while being mommy? Will I be able to let my light shine again instead of looking and feeling so dull….or is it more than just being mommy, but a combination of being so many things to so many different people? Could it be that my bipolar exacerbates my current emotions? Meaning that my feelings of being dull at times is a combination of depression and exhaustion…..? I don’t know….but I just know that I pray for full acceptance of my new roles and make peace with the new me.
Today, I was feeling VERY un-erie. I couldn’t shake it. I called my husband several times because he always seems to make things better and motivate me. Unfortunately, he was on a swat call out and unable to answer. As I lay in bed….I literally had to physically move my legs and get out of bed. I shuffled to the bathroom and lit my candles and incense. I got into the shower and just prayed. I repented to God for seeking comfort from man before trying him. I cried and told him aloud how I felt. After my shower, I felt a little better. I had a little pep in my step and then the phone rang. It was my angel Gabriel. He could hear it in my voice that I wasn’t myself. I confessed to him how I was worried I was losing me. Surprisingly, he admitted that he felt the same way. He told me how he feels exhausted too and that it makes it worse that he doesn’t get to see the babies as much. He confided in me that when he gets home the babies are already asleep and that everything is done. He felt like he was not playing an active enough role. I assured him that we were both doing the best that we could. I cried a little and he LISTENED. He assured ME that I was still Erie. That we would get the time to enjoy each other. He promised that we would make time to nurture our marriage and find time to just be Gabe and Erie…TOGETHER instead of JUST mommy and daddy. After he made me laugh a couple times I hung up feeling much better. I immediately looked up to the sky and thanked God for answering my prayer and giving me comfort from both the divine and my spouse.
I said all this to say that I am still afraid, but I know that I am doing the best I can. I know that Erie is still deep down in me and I feel supported that my husband is going to help me bring her out. I know that even though I don’t feel like Erie that my babies are loved and they SEE ME. I feel empowered that I can do it all…..and still take care of me. I also feel empowered that I am not alone in this journey. That my husband feels the same and that there are other mommies who Feel Just Like Me…. just like you
*sighs and gets excited that my babies will be happy to see me when I pick them u*