“It’s Gonna Be Awhile Chile”

Lately I have not been in the mood to write. I have the desire sometimes, but it is usually overshadowed by my many roles and hats that I wear. This has also been the longest stretch of me being completely compliant with my psychotropic medications. In my eyes, this is a good and bad thing. For one, It seems that I have not had any drastic mood swings. I still have mood swings, but nothing that I can’t handle. The bad thing is that I still experience mood swings despite being compliant. But the most horrible feeling is still feeling the side effects. Every now and then, I suffer from extreme anxiety. The kind where you are so anxious that you become irritable and fidgety. Gosh that feeling is the worst. Despite going to the gym daily I cannot seem to get the weight off that my medications caused. I believe that this is the most horrible and unfair side effect. No matter how many times Gabe says he loves every bit of me (and I believe him), but I feel uncomfortable  in my own skin. I  have never weighed this much!!!! It’s hard to feel motivated to take this medication that causes so many issues especially when its doing a number on my self esteem.

Things aren’t all bad because I still have just enough energy to get my grad school assignments done while maintaining a 4.0, I am able to finally connect with my daughter emotionally, I put in tons of effort to show my fiancée how much I Love him and need him. I do this all the while working full time with numerous projects, making nightly meals for my family and trying to remain….SANE.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. I also find a way to feel like I am not doing everything for everyone. I reckon this is all unrealistic expectations that I put on myself.  The lesson that I am having to learn is that everything takes awhile and to be gentle with myself.   It’s   going to be awhile for me to become truly healed from the trauma that plagues me daily. Because its gonna take awhile…. I gotta stay diligent with myself…..keep my dreams within reach….and forgive myself for not being perfect……because perfect doesn’t exist……I need to learn to get comfy on this journey…to accept the skin I am in…and to accept the fact that I am medicated to make myself healthier……That its gonna take awhile to eventually become holistically bipolar without the use of meds…I believe that its possible for me…that day is just not today…

so yeah….its definitely  gone be awhile… chile….

It’s Gonna Be Awhile Chile”

Lately I have not been in the mood to write. I have the desire sometimes, but it is usually overshadowed by my many roles and hats that I wear. This has also been the longest stretch of me being completely compliant with my psychotropic medications. In my eyes, this is a good and bad thing. For one, It seems that I have not had any drastic mood swings. I still have mood swings, but nothing that I can’t handle. The bad thing is that I still experience mood swings despite being compliant. But the most horrible feeling is still feeling the side effects. Every now and then, I suffer from extreme anxiety. The kind where you are so anxious that you become irritable and fidgety. Gosh that feeling is the worst. Despite going to the gym daily I cannot seem to get the weight off that my medications caused. I believe that this is the most horrible and unfair side effect. No matter how many times Gabe says he loves every bit of me (and I believe him), but I feel uncomfortable  in my own skin. I  have never weighed this much!!!! It’s hard to feel motivated to take this medication that causes so many issues especially when its doing a number on my self esteem.

Things aren’t all bad because I still have just enough energy to get my grad school assignments done while maintaining a 4.0, I am able to finally connect with my daughter emotionally, I put in tons of effort to show my fiancée how much I Love him and need him. I do this all the while working full time with numerous projects, making nightly meals for my family and trying to remain….SANE.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. I also find a way to feel like I am not doing everything for everyone. I reckon this is all unrealistic expectations that I put on myself.  The lesson that I am having to learn is that everything takes awhile and to be gentle with myself.   It’s   going to be awhile for me to become truly healed from the trauma that plagues me daily. Because its gonna take awhile…. I gotta stay diligent with myself…..keep my dreams within reach….and forgive myself for not being perfect……because perfect doesn’t exist……I need to learn to get comfy on this journey…to accept the skin I am in…and to accept the fact that I am medicated to make myself healthier……so yeah….its definitely  gone be awhile… chile….

“The One”

Hands out stretched to mine

as your kisses rewind in my mind from

the first day…..our lips touched

I knew you were the one.

With your Greek God build….

to the way your smile makes me feel

and your arms enclose around me

I knew you were the one.

Though others came and went

with unnecessary time and energy spent.

I

Am

refreshed.

I am relieved,

Because God made me for you, and you for me.

I always knew you were the one

When your hands touch mine

it stops time and at times it feels like

I

Can

Finally

Breathe.

that I can do anything.

No haunting thoughts

no judgments

Just you setting me free

from the bondage and walls I put around me.

I graciously thank thee

for simply loving me and being the one,

No one can compare to the love we have

that grows  so bright that everyone knows.

I attempted to evade it ….the trial an error of something new

But our God continued to hold me close and speak to you.

Directing you to open the door

just a little more

to let my cynicism slide

and dwindle my pride

So that you can wipe the tears from my eyes while

I cried because I felt so forgotten…abandoned….and alone.

No one can judge our love to the point questions because

when you head in my direction on our first real date

I knew that you were the one and that one day I will bare your son

Mi Amore

because you are the one.

100 Grand

I have been wanting to write for some time now, but there was always an interruption….homework assignments, fatigue, work, Gracie typing on my laptop, etc. I would be in the shower and think of a marvelous title and then by the time I logged in…NADA. The last title that I had that I pondered on was ” No Shame November,” but its pretty pointless to write that now because it will be January 2015 in a couple days. I am not a candy eater. I believe that I used to be when I was younger and I ate so much that I have no desire to. Remember those candy bars 100 Grand….well thats how I feel. uber grand…and for so many different reasons. This is my second 4.0 semester, I had an amazing holiday with my family, and it was my babies first Christmas!
So, I have been sitting here with my spiked coffee ( coffee and Micheal’s Irish Cream and its delish btw) I also have Gerber blueberry graduates puffs that I give to Gracie to bribe her into giving me time to write. As I sit here, I am desperately trying to get a title formed which is my ritual to writing, and all I have is…thoughts. So, I will trust myself as a old friend of my suggested and “edit the crap later” and just….write. I have been putting myself….in a place to be surrounded by love whether that to receive love or to just give it to everyone. I try to charge myself to love on someone daily…be it saying something nice, being an ear to listen, making someone laugh or praying the love forward. It has not been hard to receive the love because…Alas….I am finally falling in love with something new. l decided in 2013 that I would NOT enter into another “situationship,”  and that I would close all of the doors to my past. Now of course in true Erie fashion…I truly went through every channel of my past to ensure that there was nothing to save….to prove to myself that nothing was there…. With my baptismal this was a easier feat for me because I began to use this new tool that it seems God rewarded me with…called divine intuition. I would feel this crazy gut feeling and Instead of questioning it I would just listen…and accept. I accepted that the past was just that…..I accepted that though I have strength I am not in control….I am  just a steward. And with that acceptance came contentment. I was finally okay with sleeping alone…well on nights I was lonely I would steal Grace out of her crib. I was okay with raising my daughter “alone” with the help of my amazing family. And you know what…..I feel the most empowered and happy in my life. I feel so…happy and I think that it was made me available to LOVE….yes…love…and it feels amazing. Love has been so evasive to me….I only had access to memories that at times I question if they were valid….but eh this what I feel is probably a mixture of my destiny, love, a tad lust, and purpose. I have been preparing myself for this moment. And as for being mommy….I have fallen in love with being a mom. I love seeing myself exude from her…..I smile when I am not upset that she is throwing a Mariah Carey Diva tantrum…yup life is grand….and it will continue to be…..2015 is bound to be mmmmazing…I mean I celebrated my “Golden Birthday” I am bound for greatness and greater is coming!!!!

“Headed in The Right Direction”

Today is a semi big day for me as I have decided to finally follow through with getting baptized! For me this was not a difficult decision; however, I have pondered for some time. I wanted to choose the right time for me. Like so many others, we were christened and baptized at the timing that others decided for us. For me, this decision is not one to decide If I want to follow God, because I already have. I communicate with him daily, and I have a spiritual connection with him thus the entire world. I must admit though that as an adult, I have done some un-proud things…that I can’t seem to forgive myself  for. I repent, pray, and know that HE forgives me yet I cant forgive myself….crazy isn’t it. I’d like to blame my critic that I blogged about earlier, but it’s also Me. I want to be in control of things and I feel at times that I shouldn’t be forgiven even though I know all about mercy and Grace.

Oh but Grace! When Erilyn was conceived it brought about uncertainty in me. I could not forgive myself for bringing a child into this world out of wedlock. I was hard on myself because I didn’t break the cycle. As a result of this I felt like I was being punished thus why I was thrust into single motherhood. I felt abandoned by her father and isolated from so many people…. Oh but GRACE! She saved me…I was on a path of darkness so dark that I had no idea where I was. Though I have gotten closer to God, and my faith is unwaivering I am ready to Move on! Forgive ME….for real this time. Not take back the struggles and weight that God requests from me. But give him my broken heart and truly receive a whole one. This baptism is so symbolic for me because I envision that the clear water will literally wash the pain away….the rejection that I have battled….the scars of unhealthy friendships and relationships. I must admit…I am excited! I am tired of living in chronic and constant frustration mode…after all you cannot run away from you! I know that I feel great in knowing I will be the same Erika when I emerge from the liquid pool of forgiveness…the essence of me will be the same, yet my hear…my heart will finally be healed and not bandaged…and my soul….will be filled with Grace! So elated to be finally headed in the right direction!!! So….be happy for me…cause after a week of the devil attacking me saying that I was worthless and giving me every reason under the sun to wavier…I will emerge from the water the woman and mother that he designed for me to be…..no more self destruction….never no more.

*Sighs and smiles*

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