I have been wanting to write for quite some time. The urge would come while I am in the shower, in the wee hours of the night, when I am giving the babies baths, or when I am completing an assignment. I usually have a whole idea in my head, but by the time I am done doing whatever it is I am doing….my brain is now mush. I am currently hiding in my favorite coffee shop where I can think for myself….if only for a moment.
Lately, things have been up and down as usual. Seriously, I can be feeling like Wonder Woman who can move boulders and mountains; all the while doing laundry, and writing a ten page paper. Then there are days where I can barely make it through the day without breaking down. Days it feels like my body is sinking in quicksand. Days where I have to physically pick up one leg out of the bed….and then the other. Those days tend to creep up on me and just drag me down. I usually use whatever strength I can conjure and I get.through.it. Fighting for myself….my sanity…fighting the urge to just fall apart because it seems as if it is just easier than pushing my body through yet another battlefield. This year feels like a blur. I can’t really remember things. There have been times where my words come out jibberish that even I cannot comprehend. And what’s crazy is no one sees it. It seems that I have gotten so good at hiding it that it exhausts me by mid-day.
One day something happened; I can remember the moment…the feeling…the squint of my eye when I started seeing my babies… when I saw that my husband was drained and in need of me. The moment I felt the world stop moving underneath my feet…and I could sort of breathe….easier. I know some might think that this is crazy, but I promise it is not. I truly felt the world stop and I felt like….Wow….I am alive. My babies are right here… They are here…right in front of me. There is a misconception that depression renders you life-less and zombie like. And though I felt that way; it appears that I am functional. But I can look in photos and see vacancy…but then I can see a smile…all teeth and I wonder…how the hell did I manage to do that? During this period, I had trouble connecting. I felt purposeless. I felt numb and just exhausted. My self-esteem was in a bottomless pit, and I felt fragile. Now that I think about it….I had trouble connecting with the close people in my life. I lost all ability to communicate. I had no idea what to say; or how to convey my feelings. If you know me; you’d know this is unlike me. Nothing seemed to make me feel joy. When I did feel joy it was short lived.
Anywho back to that day…. The veil of depression lifted. Don’t get me wrong that heffa comes back at times, but I refuse to allow it to get me to the point of being the walking dead. To be honest, I am currently afraid of venturing into something new. Getting through graduate school was hard as hell, but what do I do now? I silently think that has been somewhat of a culprit of my low self-esteem. The need for constant validation, because I simply have no idea what I am going to do. The fear of changing careers….The inner essence of me is changing…it can all be a bit much at times.
Sometimes it feels like I have lost myself, even though I am giving growth my all. After thought, I realize that I am doing the work…and that Erika is there; just a different Erika that I have to accept. Somethings I do know about the new Erika is that she’s a damn good mommy, and that she is a nurturing wife….who will FIGHT for her family. She is caring and has a constant need to give even if it means herself. She loves and loves hard…and very forgiving. She can make people cackle…. And is willing to stretch herself for the greater good. I asked the other day how is it that Women….have trouble loving themselves unconditionally? I got some interesting comments, but dag I am learning that I need to do better. I can’t give if I don’t give myself. I cannot hear others if I cannot hear myself. I cannot truly forgive others…if I don’t forgive myself. I wanna not only see the beauty in others, but myself. I want to accept this new body, and embrace these random ass gray hairs. I want to be healthy and feel true Joy. I know this is all achievable. Issa struggle, but I KNOW its necessary…after all it’s nothing like Loving YOU