Nothing Like Loving You

I have been wanting to write for quite some time. The urge would come while I am in the shower, in the wee hours of the night, when I am giving the babies baths, or when I am completing an assignment. I usually have a whole idea in my head, but by the time I am done doing whatever it is I am doing….my brain is now mush. I am currently hiding in my favorite coffee shop where I can think for myself….if only for a moment.

Lately, things have been up and down as usual. Seriously, I can be feeling like Wonder Woman who can move boulders and mountains; all the while doing laundry, and writing a ten page paper. Then there are days where I can barely make it through the day without breaking down. Days it feels like my body is sinking in quicksand. Days where I have to physically pick up one leg out of the bed….and then the other. Those days tend to creep up on me and just drag me down. I usually use whatever strength I can conjure and I get.through.it. Fighting for myself….my sanity…fighting the urge to just fall apart because it seems as if it is just easier than pushing my body through yet another battlefield. This year feels like a blur. I can’t really remember things. There have been times where my words come out jibberish that even I cannot comprehend. And what’s crazy is no one sees it. It seems that I have gotten so good at hiding it that it exhausts me by mid-day.

One day something happened; I can remember the moment…the feeling…the squint of my eye when I started seeing my babies… when I saw that my husband was drained and in need of me. The moment I felt the world stop moving underneath my feet…and I could sort of breathe….easier. I know some might think that this is crazy, but I promise it is not. I truly felt the world stop and I felt like….Wow….I am alive. My babies are right here… They are here…right in front of me. There is a misconception that depression renders you life-less and zombie like. And though I felt that way; it appears that I am functional. But I can look in photos and see vacancy…but then I can see a smile…all teeth and I wonder…how the hell did I manage to do that? During this period, I had trouble connecting. I felt purposeless. I felt numb and just exhausted. My self-esteem was in a bottomless pit, and I felt fragile. Now that I think about it….I had trouble connecting with the close people in my life. I lost all ability to communicate. I had no idea what to say; or how to convey my feelings. If you know me; you’d know this is unlike me. Nothing seemed to make me feel joy. When I did feel joy it was short lived.

Anywho back to that day…. The veil of depression lifted. Don’t get me wrong that heffa comes back at times, but I refuse to allow it to get me to the point of being the walking dead. To be honest, I am currently afraid of venturing into something new. Getting through graduate school was hard as hell, but what do I do now? I silently think that has been somewhat of a culprit of my low self-esteem. The need for constant validation, because I simply have no idea what I am going to do. The fear of changing careers….The inner essence of me is changing…it can all be a bit much at times.

Sometimes it feels like I have lost myself, even though I am giving growth my all. After thought, I realize that I am doing the work…and that Erika is there; just a different Erika that I have to accept. Somethings I do know about the new Erika is that she’s a damn good mommy, and that she is a nurturing wife….who will FIGHT for her family. She is caring and has a constant need to give even if it means herself. She loves and loves hard…and very forgiving. She can make people cackle…. And is willing to stretch herself for the greater good. I asked the other day how is it that Women….have trouble loving themselves unconditionally? I got some interesting comments, but dag I am learning that I need to do better. I can’t give if I don’t give myself. I cannot hear others if I cannot hear myself. I cannot truly forgive others…if I don’t forgive myself. I wanna not only see the beauty in others, but myself. I want to accept this new body, and embrace these random ass gray hairs. I want to be healthy and feel true Joy. I know this is all achievable. Issa struggle, but I KNOW its necessary…after all it’s nothing like Loving YOU

YOU

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“Just like Me….Just like You”

Hi guys! It has been awhile since I last wrote. I would contribute that to me being all over the place. Ensuring that I get everything done in both my family and career. I have also made the insane, but necessary decision to re-enroll and finish my Masters degree. Crazy! I know, but its so necessary for me to get back on track and  put myself back into the game. I have finally created a fail proof schedule with the girls, my husband is supportive, and work is flexible….so why wait. Plus, I hate not finishing something that I have started. Something that I have invested time, energy, and passion into. When I look back to my scholastic journey it has always been riddled with challenges….that I would overcome. I began grad school while Erilyn was only 4 months old. I just told myself ….I have to do this for my little girl. I wanted to be able to not only provide for her, but to ensure that I reached my highest potential. I began school and surprisingly I excelled higher than I ever could imagine. I was afraid that after being out of the classroom for years since Auburn that I lost my mojo. What I realized that working in the social work field somehow gave me this DRIVE. I also like to think that becoming a mother gave me super powers and the will to just “get it done” no matter what.

So, back to present day. I am now a working wife and mother of two. I have to drum up the courage and guile to be the best that I can be. I fear; however, that before I resume this journey that I have lost myself. It seems that everything has taken a back seat to being mommy including being Erie. I noticed that I no longer do the things that make me happy. I don’t read or write like I used to. This brought me great joy, and an outlet. Now, I just don’t have the time, and when I get time….I don’t have the energy. I realized today that I am afraid that I will never be Erika again. After the post partum, I felt tons better. I felt like a better version of Me, but I have yet to feel like Erie.

Yes, I do mommy maintenance by getting my hair done bi weekly, getting massages when I can, and going to get pedicures. Those things I feel are non negotiables. I try to relish my me time that usually looks like me being in the car during my commute listening to “The read” or my fave songs. This also includes SHOWERS….yeah I said it SHOWERS. Long, hot, showers….ALONE without Eriane crying or Erilyn coming into the bathroom to ask me a million and one questions. *sighs* I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. And unfortunately there are some situations that Moms don’t even get my non negotiables. But what about losing me….my biggest fear since bringing my babies into this world is being a crappy mom or that I would lose my identity. I think this bothers me more, because I had my babies AFTER being by myself for so long. I was able to be selfish with myself and my time….things I cannot do anymore. I have to surpress my Sagittarius urge to just hop in the car and travel….go and put my hands in the air as my window is down. I know that my babies wont be babies forever…that I should focus more on cherishing these rare moments, and that I will get that time back….eventually.  I guess I am wondering if there is balance to seek? Is there a way that I can at least FEEL like Erie while being mommy? Will I be able to let my light shine again instead of looking and feeling so dull….or is it more than just being mommy, but a combination of being so many things to so many different people? Could it be that my bipolar exacerbates my current emotions? Meaning that my feelings of being dull  at times is a combination of depression and exhaustion…..? I don’t know….but I just know that I pray for full acceptance of my new roles and make peace with the new me.

Today, I was feeling VERY un-erie. I couldn’t shake it. I called my husband several times because he always seems to make things better and motivate me. Unfortunately, he was on a swat call out and unable to answer. As I lay in bed….I literally had to physically move my legs and get out of bed. I shuffled to the bathroom and lit my candles and incense. I got into the shower and just prayed. I repented to God for seeking comfort from man before trying him. I cried and told him aloud how I felt. After my shower, I felt a little better. I had a little pep in my step and then the phone rang. It was my angel Gabriel. He could hear it in my voice that I wasn’t myself. I confessed to him how I was worried I was losing me. Surprisingly, he admitted that he felt the same way. He told me how he feels exhausted too and that it makes it worse that he doesn’t get to see the babies as much. He confided in me that when he gets home the babies are already asleep and that everything is done. He felt like he was not playing an active enough role. I assured him that we were both doing the best that we could. I cried a little and he LISTENED. He assured ME that I was still Erie. That we would get the time to enjoy each other. He promised that we would make time to nurture our marriage and find time to just be Gabe and Erie…TOGETHER instead of JUST mommy and daddy. After he made me laugh a couple times I hung up feeling much better. I immediately looked up to the sky and thanked God for answering my prayer and giving me comfort from both the divine and my spouse.

I said all this to say that I am still afraid, but I know that I am doing the best I can. I know that Erie is still deep down in me and I feel supported that my husband is going to help me bring her out.  I know that even though I don’t feel like Erie that my babies are loved and they SEE ME. I feel empowered that I can do it all…..and still take care of me. I also feel empowered that I am not alone in this journey. That my husband feels the same and that there are other mommies who Feel Just Like Me…. just like you

 

*sighs and gets excited that my babies will be happy to see me when I pick them u*

“Four Leaf Clover”

Hey ALL!

Things have been looking up for little ole me. I have begun my positive life change journey and I must say that it is the best decision I have ever made for myself. Don’t get me wrong, it was scary to decide to start something that I have never done before. Not saying that I have never been healthy before (check out my pre babes body)! But even during those times, I was still reeking of a lack of self-identity. I looked at myself through the lens of everyone else. I allowed others to zap me out of my energy, and I am realizing that positive energy is so important in this world we live in. So, back to my journey. Not only did I decide that I would make a physical change, but I wanted to grow spiritually, emotionally, and in some instances outgrow old situations. I realized that I held onto my past for dear life because people and things were so comfortable to me. I had to finally make the decision to be uncomfortable in order to embrace the new. This was hard for me on so many levels. I had to stop hiding behind the baby weight, had to stop blaming my medications for my lack of energy, and most importantly unload myself of the baggage of my own and others that I chose willingly to carry. I had to make peace within myself as well as make peace with the people of my past.

I found myself having dreams with key figures of my past and I didn’t understand it. These were people that I had moved on from so why are they in my subconscious. I  prayed and meditated on it. I heard God’s voice so clear and he said, “Say goodbye.” And so I did. Every time I had a dream and my past showed up I just sat down in my dream and talked to them. I apologized for my part in whatever occurred. Explained that I still loved them for who they are, but explained that I am not the same woman. I held their hand tight, smiled and whispered good bye. I promise ever since I have begun doing so….the physical shackles of my weight have disappeared. The self doubt has all but disappeared and I have the willpower to get up…go to that dreadful gym and put my all into being healthy. I pay attention to what I consume and put into my temple both in the physical and spiritual sense. I am very particular who I let into my energy space. When things seem off…I start with a self check. So far…so good. With all this change, I feel like a better version of me. I am more engaged with my babies and in tuned with my husband. I have the energy to get through the days even when I am beyond exhausted. Its like I was in a field of green and I plucked a four leaf clover. I feel like I hit the jackpot and I can see the results even after only a few weeks. As far as my mental health, I have accepted the fact that I need to be medicated. I took active involvement in my current medication regime and I feel in more control. I take my medication daily and do everything in moderation. I try to sleep….I mean really rest and I feel good. Now lets be honest, I am still not a morning person (and I cut out coffee) but after seeing the smiles on my family’s faces it gives me the jolt I need. You know its funny, I think my children see a difference. I am more present mentally and I see their smiles more. No. MORE. POST PARTUM DEPRESSION.

I said all of that stuff to say that I would not be where I am without the Lord and his grace.  I would not  have so much peace in my soul without the prayers from some of you. He has really put people in my reach who wouldn’t allow me to give up on me. Most importantly I learned that my husband loves me just the way I am…So how can I not truly love me?!!

 

*grabs a handful of four leaf clovers and smiles*

“Maybe yes, Maybe No, Maybe Maybe…”

So, it has been almost 5 months since I have been back to work full time and being a mommy of two. It has been a rollercoaster of days where I have to accept that I cant get it all done. Days where I have to say, “Welp, its a Marco’s Pizza night” because I cannot imagine making dinner; and be ok with that. Days where I’m like you know what….you need a good cry because hubby isn’t getting home till after 11 PM, Gabby doesn’t like carrots and refuses to eat, and Gracie got into trouble at school for scratching…..and be ok with crying. Then there are days that I pat myself on the back when my routine goes by without a hitch. When Gracie comes home with a good report, and when Gabby FINALLY slept in her bed. On another note, There has been a lot of acceptance on my part. Body acceptance. Lack of sleep. A lot of being nice to myself and coaching myself that I am enough. I am enough for my kids. I am enough for my husband. I am doing all I can.

But….

I haven’t felt sooooooo isolated in my life. Like I find myself alone a lot. I’m not quite sure of the culprit. I know that everything is adjustment and time is essential through transitions, but my GOSH! I know that I am in a different plane in life than say some of my friends, but it feels that I have “lost” that girl friend connection. I am not sure if its because people don’t want to “barge in on my “fairy tale” which is far fetched .” Or if its, ” She’s married…she doesn’t need me anymore.” I can say that’s farthest from the truth. I still NEED my friends. I STILL need to feel like the vibrant me. I still need to laugh. Get dressed up for a girls night. Now this can all be what’s inside my head, but this is the way that I feel. Sometimes things can be rough and my husband can only understand so much….and take so much. Though I know that its his role; I feel bad dumping on him. So, selfishly I keep it inside, and I know from experience that eventually it will all come out.

Maybe this is what 31 is…..being home….with the kiddies…working till I am beyond exhausted…dreaming of vacations with my husband….praying for at least a date night with my husband without the SWAT phone ringing. Maybe….yes

…..maybe no….

maybe

maybe