Yesterday….scratch that…Today….I cried

Yesterday, Today….I cried. I mean I cried all damn day about anything. It was one of those imbalanced days….days where everything went so wrong that it kinda sorta went right. I immediately got stressed when I walked into the workplace (sign #2,768 that its time to go). My left eye kept jumping (which I learned thanks to Twitter that it’s stress related). UGH *deep DEEP sigh* Lately, I have been just feeling some kind of way and I am not sure of the origin. I admit *puts hands up* that I haven’t been utilizing my de-escalation techniques i.e taking hot baths, writing in my journal, listening to Maxwell, getting a massage among other RANDOM things. I noticed this time last year that I always get this way every year around this time and I am not really sure why. For as long as I can think back in my bad memory…I always get REALLY anxious in the summer time. Im usually manic…lose sleep….just a ball of energy! Then  October rolls around….and then November and I get tearful about any and everything. I sometimes sabotage things…and I def  just realized that I literally become obsessive that something wrong is going to happen. I sit her and think about why this occurs…I mean my birthday is in November for gosh’s sake.  Now, my assault did happen the week of my bday so I understand why November and much of the winter is hard for me….but dag its SEPTEMBER. I mean I know the winter is kind of gloomy for everyone but DAMN. PSA: I am ACTUALLY on my meds so IDK why I am so stressed and depressed.

**sidenote**One of my fave books is titled “Yesterday, I Cried” by Iyanla Vanzant. It’s a story of  redemption. Someone who is lost…and has no idea where to go. A broken woman who has the courage to attempt to “mend” herself until she realizes that she cannot do it alone. I really like the story because it reminds me a lot about myself and my journey. I suggest you guys read it…it’s awesome. Anywho back to me crying all damn day. It’s ironic because I just blogged about worrying…and now that I am not worrying per say I am cracking. I mean today was a bad day…..that ended up….okay. I lost my debit card earlier…to go back to the gas station the last place I used it to find it. Some angel looked out for me and turned it in….(gosh I love the South imma miss it). The weird thing is now that I am done crying (for now….#dontjudgeme) I feel better. Maybe the lesson today was to focus on NOT worrying and finally unload myself….via tears. Some of us need permission to cry…to let go of something. There are times when we aren’t sure why we feel heavy, nevertheless….we need to have a scream…or a cry.

ugh…my eyes hurt and hopefully I am done crying for at LEAST a couple days…my plan for the evening is to un-wind….and sip some tea…maybe…get a good nite’s rest so I can be vibrant tomorrow for my blessings. So…moral of the story…..CRY…YELL…SCREAM…or answer when a rude bill collector calls and LET Em’ have it…(#yeahisaidit)LMAO do SOMETHING to let it (whatever that is) OUT! #thankmelater *Drake voice*

 

*heats up tea and runs hot bath*

Do Bees and Trees Worry?!?

As I sit today and stare out my office window…I am consumed with worry. My left eye keeps jumping (which thanks to my TL i have learned its due to stress or low potassium #gottalovetwitterandinstantanswers.) It seems as if in my short 25 years on this earth I have spent the majority of that time worrying. I have always worried in regards to making the right decision or if “he loves me,” or the biggest thing, “How am I gonna pay for _______?(insert ANYTHING here). Day in and day I out I am sure I waste so many hours worrying whether or not I did the right thing.  Did I save that child by removing them from that family? Did I do the right thing by leaving  Joel and that GREAT job in Biloxi?  Should I move?  Will we last? Will my Daddy be okay? I have answers to most if not all of the questions I have just listed, but are they right? 

Then, as I stared out into the parking lot and noticed the trees turning into their fall colors I love so much I wondered, “Do bees and Trees Worry?” Do animals stress about what they will feed their fawn….cubs…pups? When there’s a drought do the crops have panic attacks…like SO many of us do? Or what about the grass or the apples before being plucked off of trees? It occurred to me that….most of these species don’t waste an ounce of energy on things they cannot change….so why do we?

So, during my ponder session (I am pondering SO MANY things right now) I realized that all of the worry is a trigger for me. I sat and thought how can I remedy this….and my mind went straight to God. So, I googled the word Worry….and the first thing to pop up is the scripture

“Matthew 6:31-33

Do not worry then, saying, “What will we eat?” or “What will we drink?”‘ or “What will we wear for clothing?” For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Reading this brought immediate comfort….I mean *snaps* just like that. I realized that God knows my heart and its desires (though there aren’t many). He also knows that I am doing the best that I can!!! (whatever that is)…but the thing is I KNOW that I can always do better. I don’t want to be a worry wart!!! I don’t want to dwell on things that ultimately I cannot change. I don’t want to spend my remaining years contemplating over and over if I did the “right” thing. Ultimately…I can rest knowing that I am doing the best that I can. I am the type of person to operate on gut feelings…and I am learning to not question it. I know that because I have been through a lot…that I can see things more in depth than others…and I can just FEEL things. Back then I operated on fear….and now I am operating on faith. Day in and Day out…my faith increases…and hopefully one of these days my worry will decrease. Just now it has decreased…and I am charging myself to work on it. Now….my main goal is to follow my heart…when you lead with your heart…your soul…you can never go wrong. I can remember in the past that I was mostly following what others thought…or how I would make my decisions based on what others feel…or want. And I am sure back then I had no idea the difference between my heart….and my soul (there’s a difference…but that’s a blog for another day).

I leave you guys with this scripture…

Luke 12:22-29
And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing? Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying.

*Sends Lovely hugs*

Pieces of ME

Sometimes it feels like I am sinking….drowning without water and the anxiousness creeps up into my throat. I sometimes have bad “social work days” where I just take on too much of other people’s stuff when I can barely shoulder my own. I hadn’t been able to blog lately for this reason alone…it seemed as if I could not sit down long enough to think. This could be for so many reasons. The summer brought about a lot of change…It seemed as if my life is in that middle stage where things are just coming together…which really means that I am experiencing “growing pains.” For one, I have been noticing the evolution in my decision-making when it comes to my life…and my heart. I have been trying my hardest to REALLY listen to my heart…the rhythmic beat that changes and fluctuates.

Second, I have realized that you keep FINDING yourself. I thought I had ME all figured out…but that changes when we are put in different roles…in different situations. Soon, I will be a wife and mother and I am sure that will be a WHOLE new me to figure out.

Third, I have figured out that I STILL haven’t come to terms with my mental illness *insert shocked face* It’s true though. I mean I was diagnosed in the summer 2009 and I am STILL learning to cope….STILL coming to terms.

Now, I know you guys are thinking…”Ummm ma’am you have a blog celebrating your bi-polar” but it’s something totally different when you fully come to terms full circle. What’s sad is since I was diagnosed I have only  been medicated for a full year!!! I would be on meds a couple of months and off for damn near a year. I realized that this is something that I truly want to change. Now that I finally have a man in my life that accepts my mental illness AND holds ME accountable I foresee that it will be easier to deal with the medication aspect. For example, recently I went without my meds for almost 2 weeks. Of course I had made several excuses like ” I forgot to refill them” or “I will wait till payday.” Me BS’ing him only went under the radar for a week before he started DEMANDING that I make that trip to Wal-Greens. After I told him I would pick up my meds after work on Friday and I did not he refused to speak to me till I got my meds. Let’s just say I reluctantly but hurriedly got my ass to the pharmacy to pick them up. I get to the store ready to pay 75 bucks for two prescriptions…when the lady says “that’ll be $130.” I said something to the effect of “oh h-no“. You see with my prescription for Seroquel XR it is $90 plus tax WITH my co-pay…(which basically means that a damn 30 day supply is around 150 bucks) *insert angry scowl* My psychiatrist gave me a medicinal coupon that allowed me to get 30 for $25 bucks for an entire year…but I learned that its to the company’s discretion and on THAT day the pharmaceutical company said in so many words “oh heffa you gonna buy these meds AND you’re gonna pay FULL PRICE.” Now I know you’re wondering….”What did Erika Do?!?! I promptly told her that I was “straight” AFTER I went on a rant about how I wasn’t mad at her but I was DAMN MAD…(looking back I can see how Kevin knew I was off my meds #dontjudgeme)

I frantically drove off and had a yelling/screaming/crying rant about how it wasn’t fair that I had to take meds and how I “need some damn Medicaid” I had my friend in the car (I am sure she was like this bish is crazy.) I dialed Kevin’s number to cry and he promptly told me to turn around and go back and get them. I protested and cried and yelled that I REFUSED to go pay $130 for a 30 day supply of medicine and he promptly told me to “take my ass back to the pharmacist NOW.” He went on to say that I HAD the money and unfortunately this was just a part of the cards I was dealt. I weakly said “okay….” and drove my happy/sad ass back to the pharmacy. I later realized that I called him because I KNEW he would hold me accountable. I knew that he would make me do the RIGHT thing. I reluctantly handed over my personalized bumblebee debit card(I’m really dressed as a bumblebee dancing on a bar #dontjudgeme) and cried because It FINALLY hit me that I was gonna be buying meds for the REST of my life…That I was a person with a disability…..and that I will being PAYING for it *deep sigh* but then I felt special that I had a support system who loved me….so I guess it balances it all out kinna sorta.  Later that night, My love sent me a text stating that he couldn’t allow ME to hurt ME. He stated that my sanity meant more to him than $130…that it was priceless. He didn’t want me to spiral out of control AGAIN being un-medicated. I felt bad because before that moment, I gave two damns about my sanity…I just didn’t want to spend all my money….which basically means that I am STILL resistant…but that’s just a part of my personality.  I also realized that my pending nuptials makes ALL of my issues become HIS issues. That when I am neglecting me…I am neglecting him and I never want to do either!

To conclude….alll of these phases that I go through are simply random, sporadic, insightful, happy,depressed, and blessed pieces of me. So on days when I feel like I am drowning I remember all of the above and keep on floating.

*slips head under water of a steamy candle-lit bath….to just think*

” I Do….Do I?” Part 2

It seems everywhere I turn the “M-Word” has been popping up EVERYWHERE!!!! If it’s not the ratchet ass wedding of Kim K that  the total cost could pay off ALL my student loans and a couple of my HBCU homies (yall know the HBCU tuition is buku high IJS #nojudgement). Or the fact that Weedhead (did I say that aloud?!! #mybad)  Wiz Kahlifa married Amber Rose flooded timelines and blogs alike…as if it was the royal couple…Not only is it wedding season it’s also divorce season (Jennifer Lopez and the skinny dude) or allegedly Will and Jada Smith. With the slightest indication that something is rocking the boat of one of the most “famous couples” social networking sites were having complete meltdowns.

It seems as if the sanctity of marriage has been questioned and debated more and more than ever. Not only is the  rise of single parent households doubling by the millisecond, but the increase of purposeless marriages are not too far behind. Sometimes I think about the fact that there are more marriages of convenience than there seems to be marriages of love and trust. I sincerely think that people in my generation begin thinking about marriage in the light of “if it doesn’t work…I can just move on” and this thought process is JACKED UP!

The past couple days me and the love and I have been having discussions about our future (we talk about EVERYTHING). We were talking about the fact that the ring and marriage license are just symbols of the covenant and commitment between two individuals who both TRUST and LOVE one another.  The way we think and process things change whenever we add the component of forever…you think and do things you have  never wanted to do. Compromise becomes the word of the day EVERYDAY. Speaking for myself *points at self* the word marriage has been thrown in my face since before I walked across the stage to receive my degree. It’s like people have somehow demoralized yet glamorize the single life. It seems that married women look down upon single women as if they came out of the womb innocent and married….GTFOH. At the same time, people are destroying the sanctity of  marriage by cheating and having open relationships. Now if someone wants to be single…then hey boo DO YOU….as for me…I never really liked the idea of not being committed to someone. I didn’t like the “keep your options open” thought process. Day in and Day out…on my TL on twitter I see the lonely of the lonely begging for attention…but in the next breath state “I Love being Single” *Bou-ghetto voice* #chileboo!

I think that we ALL want to be committed to that one (or two) special person. Everyone wants to be happy….and share it with someone. As I have stated several times, we were not put on this earth to be alone….we were put here to work in “two’s.” We were placed here to form healthy relationships with others….I think that if we get rid of the outrageous expectations that even WE cannot meet then we may be just that much closer to…loving ourselves and having the ability to love someone. If I didn’t full come full circle in finding and loving myself…then I truly don’t think that I could be an effective partner for Kevin. I mean don’t get me wrong…I have a lot more to learn…and experience, but I am more willing and able to do so now. I feel whole….I am happy and more accepting of me that I enhance those around me…including the love of my life. I am a more healthy woman inside that it rubs off onto others…(I believe some of my bi-polar rubs on people who I won’t mention…#IJS).

OAN note, I wish that there was a “class” that would really teach me how to be an effective wife and mother…I hate the idea of trial and error….but alas it is what it is.  Back to the subject at hand, I know that with time things must change, but I honestly don’t think that the sanctity of marriage should change…and def not for the WORSE!!!!

ugh…what are you guys thoughts on this?!?!

*exasperated sigh*

“It won’t always be like this”

A lot of times when I am just not feeling my circumstances I try to find new coping mechanisms. The things that I used to use as coping skills aren’t so helpful nowadays. I believe that sometimes you have to brainstorm and find out new things to do…to cope with the new issues that you run into that comes with growth…and maturity. My issues that I have today are totally different from my undergrad issues and totally different from my high school days. I usually can sit down at a cafe or just in a quiet place and go to a different place….somehow writing relaxes me, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes you cannot pay me to write…These past couple weeks I have been trying hard to do some form of meditation. For me this is means lighting some candles…running a hot bath…and just sitting there…soaking until my anxiety decreases .Lately, in an effort to “recognize my journey to be thankful for today” I started reading old journals while I soaked….journals from undergrad…and I basked in the idea of how far I have come. One of my issues is that I tend to have a bad day….or allow my moods to ruin my day. My love gets onto me sometimes about how I become “stuck” in my problems. He sometimes has to snap me back  into reality and force me to look at the idea that I have overcome SO many different things…and that today’s problem isn’t worth getting all bent out of shape about. I sit there and STFU (which ladies its a must sometimes)…we tend to I dunno rant without being solution oriented. We rave when we don’t always know what’s right for us. …(I guess it’s all that estrogen…. blame Eve O_O ).

Lately, I wake up and talk to God and I make a determination that I will have a good day at any costs…and its a struggle to maintain that directive. Which means that even if I feel sad, anxious, or irritable that I will AT LEAST try to change the way I deal with things. Take yesterday for instance, it was a ratchet day. It was one of those long ass DFCS days. Where I got a new random case every other hour, several people decided to piss me off,  and by 6 pm when I got off I had ENOUGH!!! I did not want to de-brief and/or de-escalate myself. I went ham on any and everyone who wanted to “get it.” I texted the Love that I HATED my job! I was tired of being OVER worked and UNDER paid.  My Love simply listened and in a calm and soothing voice asked me to hold on just a little while longer….that my blessing for a new job and a new scenery where “just around the corner.”  (Ilove this man…he is truly a magician & God send ….I mean he can handle ME lol ). I reluctantly whispered okay…and I promised…and proceeded to MAKE myself  “change my mood.”  I went into the house and my roomie did the same and listened. She stated that she understood how and where I was at mentally (after she laughed at me spazz out about my day lol) she  then ran me a hot  bath and encouraged me to relax. I took a hot bath…lit some yummy smelling candles and I listened to  the inner me and went back to my early morning declaration. By the end of the bath I was back to good spirited Erika. I thanked each of my “angels” for knowing how to “deal” with me and they promptly ignored me because when you love someone….you will not stop at doing what’s best for that person….I feel so special sometimes *sigh*

When I sit down long enough and clear my mind and think about my support system it makes me tear up. I realized just how I would be if  I isolated myself from help (which I have done in the past). I realize I can’t and shouldn’t battle mental illness alone….it’s too much to handle alone. I am glad that I am now receptive to help from not only my friends and family, but from the community in the form of support groups and therapy. I encourage anyone whether it’s an mental illness or other disorder..or even anyone going through a rough time to utilize the support of those closest to you. Sometimes THEY DO know what’s best for us…they see us….when we cannot see ourselves. The people who love us will always remind us “it won’t always be like this…” even on the days WE don’t feel like listening!!!

And You know what? Its’s really true! Things won’t always be like this. You won’t always be unemployed(unless you don’t want to work *side eyes you*). You won’t always be lonely…God will send someone to you…when it’s the right time. You won’t always be stressed about work, bills, or school whatever is ailing you. Just trust in him and yourself…it will all work out….and on the days you feel like you just cannot do it anymore…devise a coping skills list…try it….it’ll work…hey if it work’s for ME…it should work for you….IJS *shrugs*

mmmkay enough bumping my gums…..toodles….

*winks and smiles*