“Ready”

Dear Daddy,

 

Thanks for finally visiting me the other day. Despite searching from you, and you hiding from me in my dreams; you finally revealed yourself. I was not prepared, and was unable to mutter much, but that moment you gave me hope. It felt like I was seeing you for the very first time. Your smile and kind eyes helped me realize that you’re still walking amongst us in other people. In this, a complete stranger who seemed to be sitting there waiting on me. I also know that your spirit lives on in all of the people you have touched in very short years.

When I drove away and I saw the individual smile and wave goodbye; I realized that it was time for me to accept that you’re never coming back. I must admit that was a hurtful feeling, but the sting only lasted a moment. I cried and my heart seemed to crush all over again, but that was very short-lived. Even though we didn’t talk much; I could hear you, and most importantly; I could feel you.

It has been nine months since you have been gone. I am not as angry anymore. However, I have been going through a really tough depressive mood. Oh, how much I needed a hug from you. But alas, you aren’t here, and God sent an angel to me. The random man that I saw took the words out of my mouth. I first noted his hands, his smile, and that he seemed to even walk like you.  I was in awe at how the man seemed to embody you. I was in amazement as I watched him stand in front me “offering to help me with a box.” How ironic right!

It feels like I haven’t been able to truly connect with you…I haven’t been able to write until now. I have been struggling trying help the babies deal with their grief. They also miss you so much. I must admit that I am not prepared for this. I don’t know how to make them feel better….and I don’t want them to hurt. Gracie says that she talks to you. There is no bone in my body that states otherwise. Isn’t she just smart and lovely? Oh, and Gabby! Just as feisty as all get out just like you said she was. She watches over me, and we have created this little language that only we can understand. But Daddy, she is not handling things well in my eyes. She has been regressing, and I am scared. I know that she is resilient. I know that both of the babies have been through so much without seeing you every day. Their lives have been turned upside down with no school, and being confined to the house. Can you kiss her for me? Can you hug them and let them know that everything will be okay?

Unfortunately, I don’t have anything else to say. What I do know is there has been an awakening within me. I know that seeing you in that lovely man was the catalyst in me….getting to a place where I am Erika. I know that there is more fight in me; however, I believe that this is a time for transformation. This is my time to reap the benefits of all the difficult times. I don’t know what any of this looks like. I am somewhat hesitant. Though it seems like I don’t have much to say; All I can think of is that……I miss you.

I can’t wait to see you again; possibly in my dreams?

I am ready now.

Always your babygirl,

Erie