“Open My Heart”

I am on the other side of grief.

 I am on the other side of disappoint in many phases of my life, and all yesterdays.

 I am on the other side of low self-esteem, and needing to be validated. The last two years have been a never-ending journey that one could NEVER prepare for. But I am at peace with where God has made me land. Sure, it’s not the exact plan that fasted and willed for; however, I have never been so grateful of simply being pushed into destined direction. After seeing daily clouds and confusion the past couple of months….Today tastes and smells so delicious.

Lately, I have been taking the time to continue to invest in my PEACE and enforcing my God given boundaries. I have started back on my fitness journey, after two freak accidents. I was truly afraid of every move I made, because it seemed that I fell victim of multiple roadblocks. I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going, but I knew that I was goody and God had me despite everything against me.

 At this time, I have humbled myself in the current phase in my career. I continue to harp on my ability to humble myself because I spent too much time in my off period DEMANDING that God provide me with the job I wanted; with the specific salary and title. I walked into the path that he KNOWS better than me…. and most importantly he is way smarter & forgiving than me. After all, I am a self-proclaimed lazy yet uber passionate extrovert who is finally okay with silence. What I am saying is that I have finally learned to open my heart…and bruhhhhhh…..my heart is hella big!

But now, ion care about failure and disappointment because I know for a fact that God answers my prayers thus makes me feel special.  I have never felt so strong in my faith until now. After all, I was laid off with zero income for 9 months without a want or need that wasn’t met. My husband was able to meet our needs without question, and I was able to truly focus on my healing. I was able to learn how to breathe and accept life for what it has to offer.Gone are the days of being unable to breathe due to a broken heart that was beyond repair. Gone are the days of confusion or concern of who I truly am. I am finally in a place where there is no reason to peel back my layers, because I understand I  am who I am. And I said what I said. Everyday feels good to feel me even when I am exhausted, because nothing can break me like I have been broken.

 Now, I am on a journey to not just feel “like Erie” but simply be Erie. I am taking day by day, and second by second. I spend my many thoughts enjoying the people who I love. Smiling at every one and accepting their flaws. I spend my time being grateful to the people who have contributed to the woman I am now. I now breathe uninterrupted and when there are bouts of anxiety and depression; I ensure that I fulfill my promise to myself. My promise to love myself unconditionally, to give myself grace, and create healthy boundaries. And because of those promises to myself; I am fully able to love on my husband and babies, and my family and friends. I am comfortable carrying the torch for my dad who loved me so much that he chose me. I feel strong enough to choose to breathe despite the trauma. I choose to be present in the moment so that I can see my babies grow up in a world that isn’t forgiving.

 I now know that the gift of being present will allow me to love my babies unconditionally. In fact, I asked my best friend recently, is it possible for someone to love us unconditionally outside of parents?  My baby sister is so wise because she told me that it isn’t possible or necessary to need that particular unconditional love. She told me that our parents are doing what they were charged to do; love us until they are no more. And that we have that same responsibility now that we are mommies. I must admit; It is such a scary feeling to know that love is stable yet transient.  

I’ve been talking to God asking for his guidance recently, and I finally see the path that he has constructed before me; thus, before my little family. Gone are the days when I live in fear that I am not doing everything exceptionally right in hopes that God will forgive me for all my mess…for my big and small transgressions.

Gone are the days of feeling small and less than. Gone are the days of living with a broken heart. After all, ask and ye shall receive. And I begged God to heal my heart.  I currently rest in the promise that our God is an accepting and forgiving God. And because I rest in that promise; I am at peace knowing that I am walking in my purpose. I reckon the feeling I am feeling is the result of opening my heart.

Look at God!

*hums “Open my Heart by Yolanda Adams*