Issa New Chapter

I have consistently been in therapy for the last year and a half. I began therapy during the initial quarantine when I was unable to sit within myself. I didn’t feel comfortable in my home that I could not leave; and I soon realized that I was not comfortable within ME. In my many sessions, it was very obvious from the beginning that I was addicted to wearing masks. I felt comfortable knowing that people truly didn’t know how broken I was. It was comforting to me to believe that everyone was unaware just how lost and weak I was. It gave me joy to know that I bamboozled and fooled my family, friends, and co-workers into thinking I was ok. Shit, most times I would smile so hard…. trying to hide my pain; that my face would hurt. I’d give a dope presentation at work; or had a great brunch with friends just to release the depression and tears as soon as I closed my car door. I realized therapy was essential if I was gonna make it. I was on the edge daily. I was unable to write. Unable to read. And I didn’t have the energy to speak most days. Ultimately, I was unable to have any relief. I elected to save any and all my energy to parent my girls and give my husband what I could. I felt like I didn’t deserve their love most days anyway.

 I agreed to make an emergency appointment because I realized that even though I was medically compliant it wasn’t enough. So, I leaped into hearing myself aloud speak of the horrible feelings deep within me. I spoke of the fear of abandonment and instability that consistently plagued me. I finally admitted that I was deeply suffocated by grief. I met weekly with my therapist; where I learned how to take off the masks and stop fooling myself as well. It was uncomfortable and difficult in the beginning. I simply didn’t want to hear my voice. I couldn’t understand how I worked SO hard to be everything to everyone, checked most things off my “list” and I was humble. Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why didn’t I feel safe enough to be myself? How did I lose so much in so little time without a pamphlet on how to cope? And Why in the hell was I not getting better!?  Eventually, I did the work. Acknowledged the ugly truth that I was a fraud and I deceived everyone.

 The only somewhat silver lining to the nasty journey was learning I was misdiagnosed bipolar, and was in fact “beautiful with borderline personality disorder” instead of beautiful and bipolar which I had JUST BEGUN TO ACCEPT. This also meant that meds I religiously took that made me fat, fatigued, irritable, and FAT  were essentially NOT EVER GONNA WORK! I had to grieve the loss of my father, myself, my job, identity, and the BP diagnosis that gave me comfort. I was conditioned with “Take your meds and you will feel better” instead there was so much more to it.  I was supposed to simply have CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), address my abandonment, add a huge dose of self esteem, some grief counseling and some SLEEP and then I’d be “better”! Once I was able to tackle most of these things; I learned how to breathe. I was able to identify  what I need and demand it. And as a result, I have grown and stretched myself into this new year.

My growth has felt stagnant but in retrospect it has been ever apparent. I am choosing to breathe; though it may take a moment to realize it. I have been in the thorough of change and it has been overwhelming to say the least. I have found strength in my vulnerability. I have grown into my grief which has given me a new power level a la Dragon Ball Z. It seems that nothing can truly “break” me. What’s crazy is I used to think the same when I was younger. I always thought that something was a new notch in my strength belt and there was no way anything can be more difficult than the last problem I dealt with.

 It feels like every layer within my outer shield has been stripped lately. I truly have no mask to hide behind even if I wanted to. I have no wall to build, because I have gotten rid of all the materials. There is absolutely no reason for me to build walls around myself in my current stage of life, but it is essential for me to build boundaries. Until recently, I didn’t realize that I lacked complete understanding of boundaries for myself….and for others. When it comes to boundaries of others; I have forced myself onto people. I have impeded on others growth by insisting on helping when it was not my role. I have also realized that I lacked knowledge of physical boundaries as well. Too often, I demanded to be held and touched even when others didn’t have the capacity to do so. And then there was my huge deficiency in following through with the “time boundary.” There have been several times in my life were it seemed liked I was unable to think, and or breathe on my own. I felt so desperate for attention, for some to care…that I feel like I emotionally drained those around me and impeded on their time boundary. Of course, when recognizing our own faults; we acknowledge that we have been abused as well. After all, I didn’t have a clear understanding of boundaries; so of course, my needs weren’t met, and my boundaries were buried deep in the abyss.

                In this phase of growth, I realized that my main issue is that I have little ability to say no. I will deplete myself mentally, emotionally, and physically if that meant that someone I love is “okay” or if I was helping them. My fear of abandonment has swallowed me whole my entire life, and as a result I have willingly allowed myself to be verbally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually abused by many. My lack of boundaries made me feel like I had to let things happen to me, because “it is what it is.” I have let individuals use me, and I would immediately forgive them because “it’s the right thing to do” or because I so desperately wanted to be forgiven by others for everything. More often that not, I feel like I am always saying sorry. I am always teetering on apologies even though I know that the issue doesn’t lie within me. It is just easier to say “its ok” or “I’m good” that to deal with the stickiness of tension, and feeling like I let someone I love down.

 I subscribed to the fact that I would never be able to fully be equipped with the skill of stability in many instances. The solution has been pretty simple…. SAY NO. Let it be known that I simply don’t have the capacity to keep running the race like I used to. Ultimately, I read a little book titled “UNF** Your Boundaries”, and learned how to initiate consent, better communicate, and express my needs. Issa mouthful but it has been essential in saving me these days.  

*crawls into bed*